Everything I Loved in April
How to find your style, two gripping books, and the most soothing TV show
What’s up, Beloveds?
I hope your April was as gentle as the word “April!”
Did you see the eclipse? Did it change your life? I appreciated the collaborative efforts of the sun and moon but decided I am ultimately more of Earth Individual.
So I took my earthly self on a train to a retreat center with a donkey sanctuary, whose beasts of burden elicit for me the same awe and I wonder I get from space phenomena, but are slightly more accessible.
In May 2022, I went to the retreat center for a weekend to write my book proposal:
And last week, I returned to the retreat center to finish writing my book!
It was a beautiful time, tip-tap-typing away in an upstairs library decorated with portraits of the saints Van Gogh, Einstein, and MLK Jr to keep me uplifted in discovery as I wrote my own tiny plea for justice.
As I closed my laptop dramatically on the last day, I was high with the ardor of accomplishment. (Then I had to open it again to get directions to the train station.)
This leads me to the MOST ridiculous conundrum: When does one get to celebrate in the book-writing process? Upon getting a book deal? Writing the first draft? Completing the edits? Getting a book birthday settled? The day it’s out? The day of a book event thinger?
Basically: When do I get to reward myself?!?
Well, don’t worry, I’ve already taken the liberty to reward myself next month with a private tour of the Woodstock Farm Sanctuary. They say don’t meet your heroes, so if Clyde the Rooster is a diva I’ll be VERY disappointed.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves! Here are my recommendations from this past month…
READING
Two Fascinating Books
This month, I read two of the most interesting books I’ve ever read!! While reading one of them, I’d miss the other; it was the literary version of that thing where you and your friend order two desserts and you’re trying to get more of the better one but they’re both so good!
Sociopath
After reading these two interviews with author, therapist, and sociopath Patric Gagne, I was intrigued by this memoir.
After reading the comments under these interviews, I couldn’t order the book fast enough.
I was shocked that the vast majority of these comments—seemingly posted by readers who would consider themselves open-minded, perhaps especially toward people born with differences that society doesn’t readily accept—were cruel at best. At worst, they implied that sociopaths shouldn’t be out here lurking among us, living their lives and writing books and looking normal lest we accidentally care about them as human beings.
A quick flip through a history book proves that whenever we’ve hidden away or tried to get rid of people who made us uncomfortable…IT DIDN’T GO WELL!
So I was eager to learn more about what it’s like to be a sociopath (they’re 1-4% of the population!) and work through my own triggers and prejudices toward a very misunderstood mental disorder (having a couple myself!).
I learned that sociopaths experience inherent basic emotions, they don’t experience “learned” emotions that society conditions: remorse, guilt, jealousy, fear, and empathy. (Think about how you have to teach a kid why they shouldn’t bite their friends.)
I also learned that sociopaths can experience those feelings, but it’s very challenging—similar to how someone with severe dyslexia can learn to read but it takes special training.
The author explains how most people experience a so-called “normal” range of emotions, but some people have a surplus of emotions (me!?), and some have a deficit of emotions (sociopaths).
Even though Patric Gagne and I are on the opposite ends of this range, I could relate so much to her process of a) realizing something was different about her, b) dealing with that in destructive ways, c) then, armed with vocabulary and education, managing it well and discovering the hidden gifts of being different.
I could also relate to the “internal pressure” she described. For her, overwhelming apathy. For me, overwhelming emotion. For her, the pressure is relieved by doing harmful or illegal things. For me, the pressure is relieved through compulsions. Neither of us want to do these things, but it’s how we deal with the throbbing stress of living in our wonky minds.
By the end, I just felt so grateful that people with different genres of brains can sometimes articulate their world for the rest of us.
I don’t want to live in fear of other people; that’s not the vibe I’m going for in this lifetime. Stories help me with that. And this is a really good one.
(I highly recommend the audio book; it’s read by Patric, who does impeccable impressions and has fantastic comedic timing!)
Humankind
I am lapping up this book like my cat slurps up spilled ice cream from the floor: quickly and messily (you should see my underlines, stars, scribbled notes, and exclamation points).
Not only is Bregman’s message SO GOOD FOR US TO BE READING ALL RIGHT NOW, but he’s an enchanting writer.
I find myself literally beseeching the book, “Yeah?? Okay?? Tell me more??? Then what????”
Basically, he goes through all the greatest hits of examples throughout the 200,000 years of human history that we use to justify that people are inherently bad, and proves that we misunderstood. We’re actually hardwired for kindness. And that’s the scientific, realistic, pragmatic truth.
A while ago, my therapist acknowledged that I have a big capacity for holding pain. No question there. I prove to myself daily how much sadness I can take on in the form of depressing movies and articles and shows and social media accounts dedicated to the contents of landfills.
“But how big is your capacity for joy?” she asked. Could that be a new challenge? Because just what the world needs is one more melancholic indulging in misery!
This book is invigorating me to re-pattern and re-orient my days around discovering my capacity for joy. And, because of that, I’m sleeping better, eating better, writing better, being kinder and calmer and probably a lot easier to be around, honestly.
May I suggest putting down the news and picking up this book??
LISTENING
Happy Taylor Swift month, to those who observe. You’ve just got to love this kook for making the artistically-abysmal decision to release a mediocre double album during a tour, all because she dated a sad man for two weeks and the only way to get it out of her system is release 31 songs about him.
The First Warm Day Music
A few exciting things happened in April, beyond the empyrean event that sent all of New York sprinting to their nearest library for eclipse glasses!
(which, by the way, you can donate for people in Latin America to use for their eclipse later this year at any Warby Parker or send to Eclipse Glasses USA, PO Box 5057, Provo UT 84605!)
And, just after all that excitement, THE FIRST WARM DAY appeared. This is an unofficial city-wide holiday for any place that is cursed with a hard winter.
Of course, “hard winter” is a spectrum; I suffered through seven midwest winters before I realized that utter misery is optional. New York’s winter is hard, but manageable. But still hard.
In any case, The First Warm Day is a transformative spiritual experience. The First Warm Day, my soul refreshes and I become someone new. I’m an enlightened being. A yogini. A free spirit. A morning person. An actual Indigo Girl. A person who wears wrap skirts.
Music sounds better, produce tastes fresher, an evening walk is enchanted. I went on an entire existential journey that morning while getting coffee.
To celebrate the holiday, I listened to my favorite First Warm Day music.
When I started taking voice lessons, the first song I wanted to learn is The Decemberists’ June Hymn. This song sounds like fluffy buds appearing on magnolia trees to me; I can feel the afternoon sun shine through the white-curtained window of the melody. And it makes me so, so happy!
I made a playlist of more songs that capture the spirit of the First Warm Day, and they will sound even better if you’re catching feelings in this weather (lucky you)!
These songs all give me wistful memories of when Mr. Mari and I first started dating and I would wait half an hour to text him back in an effort to seem chill and easy-going (the ultimate bait-and-switch!!).
They’re tender tunes of wanting and longing, the feelings that pair so well with sitting on a bench during twilight’s last gasps and watching the sun struggle to probe through trees for the final time this evening: