Blue Notes #25: Pregnancy, Second Trimester

To grow a mother

First Trimester reflections here.

God bless NYC. Even at almost 40 years old, everyone has correctly assumed this is my first baby.

“And last!” I cheekily grin.

“You never know…” they always reply in earnest.

This doesn’t so much annoy me as throw me into questioning my own reality.

What do they know that I don’t!?

Oh right, nothing.

I, of all people, would definitely know!

My theory is that any time someone makes a choice that could threaten traditional, perhaps even genetically-baked-in conceptions of evolution and human survival, people get triggered into automatic resistance.

(See also: polyamory, veganism, or becoming libertarian and going off the grid. “Hey that’s not how we continue as a species!”)

Pregnancy can turn a living breathing woman into a walking lightning rod and public space for others to project their personal experiences, or even concerns about the human race.

“When are you due?” a stranger in a waiting room asked me.

“August,” I chirped.

“I hope you’ll be breastfeeding!” was his reply.

A VERY strange thing to say, made only a tiny bit slightly more sensical when I learned that he studies pediatric nutrition.

But I study my own self—someone who refuses to take on optional suffering!—so I just awkwardly stammered, “No…I won’t…?”

Again, questioning my own reality!

And such has been my journey to motherhood thus far.

I stopped reading pregnancy books months ago because they all had something in common that I found disturbing: