May I Suggest, #1: “Because I Want To” is a good reason
If you have a question for ‘May I Suggest,’ send to: studio@bymariandrew.com.
The Question:
Was it wrong of me to break up with someone who enjoyed cooking me dinners but never liked to go into depth about why he loved me?
The Suggestion:
When you’re single, you’re the recipient of a daily barrage of messages telling you why you’re single and what you can do to change that: contradicting claims (“know exactly what you want, but be open-minded,” “you have to treat dating like a job, but you’ll meet someone when you’re not looking”) and overwhelming tasks to accomplish before you can meet The One (“work on yourself, love yourself, develop secure attachment style, attain enlightenment, etc”).
Here are just a few examples of advice I got when I was single:
-“You should really move out of New York. No one wants to commit here. How about Australia? Guys are more ready to settle there.”
-“Stop dating people you’re really attracted to. The boring guys will treat you the best.”
-“Guys like it when you’re not too nice. You need to be less available.”
-“If you have a nice apartment, you’re not going to have space to attract love into your life.”
So, I should move out of my favorite city and stay in a tiny apartment and will myself out of attraction and completely change my personality so I can get a nice boyfriend? It seemed like others were able to do it without such a grand fuss?
At a certain point, all the advice started making me feel like I was doing everything wrong. I’d walk down the street, looking at couples hand in hand, and think, “Do both of them really love themselves? Did they really both find each other when they weren’t looking?” It pained me to think that there was a key I was missing from this thing I wanted so badly, and that I might be the one blocking myself from it.
After 15 years of dating, I finally, and gratefully, came to this conclusion: Nobody knows more about this than anyone else. Nobody knows more about my love life than I do.
Of course, yes, there are experts, there are good books, there are great therapists who can help (I have used all of their guidance). But what I’ve realized is that the best ones generally point to the same thing: Trust yourself. You’re the one who knows.
I had to stop listening to any voices but my own. People will always want to project onto you in order to validate their own decisions and values, but those aren’t your decisions or necessarily your values. It can feel like being single is a problem that people are desperate to solve, when really it’s a lush place to deepen into intuition and inner knowing—your two best advice-givers.
Was it wrong for you to break up with someone? Only if you didn’t want to.
I know it can be really tricky to trust yourself here: The first time I broke up with a really good person, it felt as unnatural as electing to skip a trip to Italy or decline a plate of my favorite food. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him. But there was nothing particularly right. When asked what I liked about him, I’d list specific things he did: he baked me a cake once, he gave me a nice gift, he checked in when I had a scary job interview. But these weren’t things about his essence: these were things he DID, performed. If he stopped doing them, I wouldn’t be interested any longer. I wasn’t in love with his soul; I was in love with certain things about him and things he did for me. He deserved much more than that, and so did I.
One time, I asked my roommate what I should do: stay or go. She said, “Don’t break up with him.” I felt my entire body tense up, perhaps even a swell of nausea. It felt so tiring to hear that I should stay, and I mumbled, “Yeah I guess you’re right, he’s a good person.”
Then she said, “I don’t actually believe you should stay with him. I was just giving you a random answer because I know you’d know what to do as soon as you heard my response.”
She was a genius. And my intuition was a genius too. Everything I needed to know about that my feelings, I learned in that moment: My body knew it was time to leave. It was all the messages from others that got in my way. And, just like the messages geared toward single people, those messages were all from a place of scarcity: variations on “Well you might never do better than him.” And yes, that’s scary! But imagine someone staying with you because they fear they might not be able to do better? In that scenario, everyone deserves more.
I couldn’t give a really good answer about why I wanted to break up with him. But I couldn’t give a good enough answer about why I wanted to stay. And, at the end of the day, I just wanted to leave. And that’s not a wrong reason. The breakup was excruciating, but the pain didn't last nearly as long as the agony over the decision.
As I got older, breakups with good people became harder and harder, but I’ve always used this guiding thought: Wanting to break up with someone is a good reason to break up with someone. I thought I had to justify it more than that. I thought I needed a really good case. Sometimes the reasons aren’t crystal clear at the time, and then they form later on. Sometimes that “later on” involves someone so beautifully suited for you that you want to fall to your knees in praise of your past self for choosing difficult endings that would lead you to this perfect beginning.
Some people don’t need what you want in a partner. Some people don’t need a person to go into depth about their love. But those people aren’t you. You are you. You are the person who knows you want dinners AND depth about why you are loved.
One of my favorite relationship teachers is Mark Groves, who recently wrote, “If it was true for me that the relationship wasn't right then it is true for the other person even if they don't know it yet.” I’ve been on both sides of this, and it’s always painful, but always right.
You don’t have to justify your decision to anyone except yourself (although I'm all in favor of being as kind and gentle during a breakup as possible). You’ve stepped off the well-worn path of settling for "fine," and you’re prancing out into the lush meadow of the unknown. While it may feel lonely at first, there is no loneliness like the loneliness of staying with someone you know you don’t want to be with. Soon enough, the loneliness will turn to solitude, and you’ll realize you don’t have to change your wants or desires.
A few years ago, I was deciding whether or not to move to New York. I couldn't think of any great reasons, besides "I really want to." After a couple times of saying it, and a couple times of hearing a smirk in response, I realized, "Isn't that the best reason to make any decision? 'Desire' is an underrated motivation in a society so focused around personal betterment.
Good reasons to do something:
-I want to.
-I want more.
-I want better.
Bad reasons to do something:
-People might think it's wrong if I don't.