Ooh, I love this, Mari. I've taken hefty social media sabbaticals in the past — including a year off Facebook prompted by Zadie Smith's way-back-when review of The Social Network (?!) — and the recent overstimulation via algorithmic shifts have me considering giving it all up again. IG has been a real creative outlet for me as a writer over the years, something that has felt, when I'm participating as a maker and not just a consumer, like a really solid outlet — but I've also noticed that I'll post for the masses when the main person I want to see it is just a (much more vulnerable) call or text away, that the public hits on private news are less and less satisfying, that logging on feels like getting ASSAULTED and there's no way to subvert the algorithm / shape the platform to your actual intentions, etc. – but I haven't yet made the full move to a quieter but more demanding longform platform like Substack (where I worry I'll feel like I'm writing into a void / won't be able to help but pressurize my output). But! One of my guiding mantras right now is "When it's time, I know, because it gives me pleasure to live into my decision" — that's the spirit in which, for instance, I gave up alcohol a year ago — and I feel a lot of pleasure in reading your words which has me saying Hmmmm. This has been a year of semi-painful (or painful-painful) recognitions and responses – so maybe this is the next one leading to joy (and if not a full break, a reckoning with my own intentions that could shift the shape in a joyful way). Thanks always for the illumination. xx
Michaela darling, you've hit on something that I would have written a whole essay on if I were up for the vulnerability: I'm always posting for one person only!!! And if that one person doesn't see it, well, it's a waste ;) I think Elizabeth Gilbert talked about this too while explaining her own Instagram break; she not only craved a certain number of likes (fortunately I've never suffered that affliction but I get it!) but likes from the RIGHT PEOPLE (now that's an affliction I can get behind!).
There are so many parallels between social media and alcohol I wouldn't know where to begin, and I LOVE that you're examining both! In a different version of this newsletter, I would say that there is NO healthy relationship with social media just as there's no healthy relationship with alcohol, and just like alcohol there is no amount of it that won't do damage. (I say this as a drinker!). It's really hard to be intentional about something (Instagram) when everything is working against us!
You sound like the coolest and it's such a pleasure to read all your thoughtful words. Keep at it! Even if that one person isn't listening...I am :)
Wow this is so well timed to read! Literally deleted all my socials on Saturday ‘for the weekend’ and haven’t missed it AT ALL so haven’t gone back! Already feeling so much more present and so much more in control of my feelings AND feel my stress level has dropped a few degrees! I’ve now made a conscious effort to sign up to email newsletters for all my favourite creatives. It’s a shift I was too scared to make but one that just feels so right!
Oh Sally I'm overjoyed to hear that!! I told myself that I'd take a month off of Instagram and quite easily it turned into 17 months! I really didn't want to go back. It was almost like being told I had to take some disgusting medicine or go get a shot that I didn't want. I was and am so resistant! Of course there are moments I miss it (the first time I went abroad without posting about it felt wrong!) but I always hated the rapid-fire consumption. I'm so pleased to have reflected on all this in a timely manner for you! :)
This is a wonderful reflection that really landed precisely where I am with IG. I desperately want to be free of it but don’t want to lose the connections I have there. I love the light you shed on the intentionality it takes to continue those connections in a more authentic, personable way...what a novel idea! 😆 Thank your for writing what is the truth for so very many of us out here in the digital spheres.
Michelle I sooooo get you!!! I still actively grieve all the connections I've formed on IG. Let's be honest--some of them just aren't going to translate to texting or coffee dates or anything except a weird wonderful social media knowledge of each other. I miss that a lot, and I also worry that I just abandoned it without properly saying "goodbye" to some connections that I only had via that crazy app. It's so complicated, isn't it! I know I'm better off for it, and I miss it. Classic human condition :)
This was such a brilliant and very timely read!! I swear I have a constant fogginess to my brain because I am constantly refreshing Instagram and then wonder why I’m in a bad mood when nothings happened IRL! Think it’s time I take some time away...
Agh the fog, yes!! While I believe that ADHD is a real and tormenting affliction, I've read lists of symptoms that read just like...having a phone. Are multiple generations getting brain fog and ADHD-esque distraction because of this tool meant to distract us in an addictive way?? This is probably a deeper question than what I spend most of the time wondering, which is, "Why is everyone in Europe??" Without Instagram, I don't wonder that as much ;)
When I'm on the socials (and here) I'm constantly wondering, "Why is everyone in America?" 🤣 And the brain fog/rewiring is real. I also walked away from IG without saying a proper goodbye, and feeling a little mixed up about it, but I'm doing okay so far. Amazingly, my focus shifted (quite quickly) to things I've been wanting to pay more attention to. For me, it was absolutely an addiction... that I'm so much healthier without.
I love this reflection and admire you for taking a step away from something that you recognized as a crutch and leaning more into life fully. I have an Instagram account where I review books and read other book reviews. And that’s it. Theoretically, I could do this on Goodreads, but I have found my little bubble of book friends on “Bookstagram” to be much more engaging. I quit Facebook during the 2020 election cycle, and I deleted my personal Instagram in March of 2022 after a friend from high school passed away and I realized that following along with what old friends share on social media wasn’t “keeping in touch” at all. Similar to you, I realized when I left that I never even LIKED Instagram and Facebook--at least not as they are traditionally used and had been used by me. I have also been more intentional with where and when I receive news and how I connect with others, and it has been a breath of fresh air.
You sound like such a good example of how a person can (actually!) have a GOOD relationship with Instagram! I've been wondering if it's possible, and you've made me believe. :) It's so funny; I imagine that people would assume that my unhealthy relationship with Instagram came from my public account (and the inevitable equating number of 'likes' with self-worth, etc) but it actually all came from my private account where I have 400 followers! It became exhausting keeping up with people I barely know and also tiring to present my life in a certain way. On my public account, I'm just posting art that actually has little to do with my personal life and it feels so much healthier. I'm so inspired that you've been more intentional about news and personal connection. I really, really appreciate your story!
I can totally relate Mari. I too have taken a step back on socials but also need venues. Everyday I would turn in my favorite morning shows to help me get ready for the day. The amount of negativity was enough to leave me in a state of never wanting to leave my house!
I am so much happier and more relaxed without all the BS. A family meme we commented on absence and replied how I can’t put my head in the sand. I said indeed I can because when I want information I will seek it on my own. Thanks Mari for your insightful thoughts and reflections.
Oh I love that! Not to sound like a total conspiracy theorist but it's become so obvious to me that mainstream media is centered around fear. I never hear any solutions, just the problem as it escalades. I used to LOVE keeping up with the news and now it just makes me really, really sad (although I still love the third hour of the Today Show ;). I know my values well enough to know who and what I'll vote for; I don't need catastrophic "news" to tell me how I feel!
It's been such an empowering experience to seek information on my own, from all sorts of sources. It's brought me back to the enjoyment of learning and keeping up with events I find interesting.
Wow - well said. I have always had a love/hate relationship with social media - esp Instagram. For me the cons were outweighing the pros - not to mention the ridiculous amount of time I wasted on there. As a creative person, it was killing my motivation instead of propelling me forward. I haven’t been on in many months and do not plan to go back. I am a much happier person living in the real world and enjoying and savoring quiet moments for what they are.
Oh, how this resonated. I've been off all social media for a few years now, and your thoughtful reflection gave me delicious language for processing before-leaving-social-media me and after-leaving-social-media-me.
A gentle note: While I understand the purpose of the story of the vegan chef for this piece, I found it and the language sprinkled throughout re "junk" food agitated my post-diet culture, ED-recovery, anti-fat-bias healing self. It may seem innocuous, but any time we use language to pit "good" food against "bad" food, it contributes to the perniciousness of food moralizing and body/health/weight stigma.
I've read and re-read your post many times. It really resonated with me - especially the note about reaching for Instagram when you weren't really in the right frame of mind. I often do it absentmindedly without even thinking as a 'break'. I'm now trying to use it less (Screen Time limits is sort of working) and using DuoLingo to continue to learn Italian. I feel like awareness is the first step in the right direction. I am always grateful for your posts and your writing and I love sitting and concentrating on reading. A much better 'pause' than Instagram could ever give. Thank you!
They say the universe sends you things you need, and it couldn't be truer of this post. Instagram is the only social media I'm on right now but it suddenly feels a bit much (I quit Facebook and deleted my Twitter account a while ago). Initially, it did feel quiet, intimate, curated (although even that feels like a bad word now). But of late, I find myself questioning some friendships because of the dichotomies between their social media and their real life scenarios and I feel truly fatigued trying to match the two and then realizing why would they match? But like someone said out here that ultimately you write for one person, and I don't know who that person is anymore and that worries me. Switching to a private account didn't help much because after a point, it is a pain to screen follow requests and then there is a FOMO of not being shareable , etc. I like the accidental intimacies of insta and I have made many good friends here and I probably will grieve the loss of those, but then most times, I am not happy when I am on it, and then I am angry with myself for having wasted so much time on it and it's a downward spiral from there. I have benefited hugely from it - found help when i needed it, got many story ideas, had garage sales, created a sisterhood of sustainable living of sorts, shared many food/DIY ideas. But when I think about it, I think I could probably have all those things even off it, because then I will see more, feel more, live more. So thank you Mari, for setting me free! I am heading to instagram to write my last post.
Wow Mari, I loved this. I have been off of my personal Instagram about the same length of time as you and recently paused my business account. I always articulated my relationship with IG as “compulsive” but “not regulated” is so much more compassionate-thank you for sharing your experiences so beautifully!
Staci this comment really comforted me!! I feel so happy we're on the same timeline! Giving up the business account is so so hard. I'm not there yet, but I think it's clear to everyone how little I care about it (and my ego doesn't love the dramatic drop in followers every time I post ;) I have to keep reminding myself that artists and business-owners and EVERYONE existed before Instagram! I've recently had to remind book publishers of that as they wonder how I'll sell a book if I'm not posting about it...well, uh, y'all did it for HUNDREDS OF YEARS!
Mari this was one of the many emails that have been languishing in my inbox, waiting to be read. A 3 hour flight delay finally gave me time to catch up and oh how glad I am to have read this. The idea of insta “taking me away” from reality really resonates. I often go on it when I feel I need a mental break to just mindlessly scroll but really when you reflect on it, I don’t ever leave feeling well rested or better about myself/ the state of things. As always your writing puts my thoughts into words more than I ever could. Thank you!
Those last two paragraphs. So much yes. And I love love love this: "Sacred response". Such a reminder to notice reactivity versus response, letting things come at us, rather than engaging with them intentionally. Choosing how we spend our precious energy and how we decide to feed ourselves. Thank you for this!❤
Ooh, I love this, Mari. I've taken hefty social media sabbaticals in the past — including a year off Facebook prompted by Zadie Smith's way-back-when review of The Social Network (?!) — and the recent overstimulation via algorithmic shifts have me considering giving it all up again. IG has been a real creative outlet for me as a writer over the years, something that has felt, when I'm participating as a maker and not just a consumer, like a really solid outlet — but I've also noticed that I'll post for the masses when the main person I want to see it is just a (much more vulnerable) call or text away, that the public hits on private news are less and less satisfying, that logging on feels like getting ASSAULTED and there's no way to subvert the algorithm / shape the platform to your actual intentions, etc. – but I haven't yet made the full move to a quieter but more demanding longform platform like Substack (where I worry I'll feel like I'm writing into a void / won't be able to help but pressurize my output). But! One of my guiding mantras right now is "When it's time, I know, because it gives me pleasure to live into my decision" — that's the spirit in which, for instance, I gave up alcohol a year ago — and I feel a lot of pleasure in reading your words which has me saying Hmmmm. This has been a year of semi-painful (or painful-painful) recognitions and responses – so maybe this is the next one leading to joy (and if not a full break, a reckoning with my own intentions that could shift the shape in a joyful way). Thanks always for the illumination. xx
Michaela darling, you've hit on something that I would have written a whole essay on if I were up for the vulnerability: I'm always posting for one person only!!! And if that one person doesn't see it, well, it's a waste ;) I think Elizabeth Gilbert talked about this too while explaining her own Instagram break; she not only craved a certain number of likes (fortunately I've never suffered that affliction but I get it!) but likes from the RIGHT PEOPLE (now that's an affliction I can get behind!).
There are so many parallels between social media and alcohol I wouldn't know where to begin, and I LOVE that you're examining both! In a different version of this newsletter, I would say that there is NO healthy relationship with social media just as there's no healthy relationship with alcohol, and just like alcohol there is no amount of it that won't do damage. (I say this as a drinker!). It's really hard to be intentional about something (Instagram) when everything is working against us!
You sound like the coolest and it's such a pleasure to read all your thoughtful words. Keep at it! Even if that one person isn't listening...I am :)
Wow this is so well timed to read! Literally deleted all my socials on Saturday ‘for the weekend’ and haven’t missed it AT ALL so haven’t gone back! Already feeling so much more present and so much more in control of my feelings AND feel my stress level has dropped a few degrees! I’ve now made a conscious effort to sign up to email newsletters for all my favourite creatives. It’s a shift I was too scared to make but one that just feels so right!
Oh Sally I'm overjoyed to hear that!! I told myself that I'd take a month off of Instagram and quite easily it turned into 17 months! I really didn't want to go back. It was almost like being told I had to take some disgusting medicine or go get a shot that I didn't want. I was and am so resistant! Of course there are moments I miss it (the first time I went abroad without posting about it felt wrong!) but I always hated the rapid-fire consumption. I'm so pleased to have reflected on all this in a timely manner for you! :)
This is a wonderful reflection that really landed precisely where I am with IG. I desperately want to be free of it but don’t want to lose the connections I have there. I love the light you shed on the intentionality it takes to continue those connections in a more authentic, personable way...what a novel idea! 😆 Thank your for writing what is the truth for so very many of us out here in the digital spheres.
Michelle I sooooo get you!!! I still actively grieve all the connections I've formed on IG. Let's be honest--some of them just aren't going to translate to texting or coffee dates or anything except a weird wonderful social media knowledge of each other. I miss that a lot, and I also worry that I just abandoned it without properly saying "goodbye" to some connections that I only had via that crazy app. It's so complicated, isn't it! I know I'm better off for it, and I miss it. Classic human condition :)
This was such a brilliant and very timely read!! I swear I have a constant fogginess to my brain because I am constantly refreshing Instagram and then wonder why I’m in a bad mood when nothings happened IRL! Think it’s time I take some time away...
Agh the fog, yes!! While I believe that ADHD is a real and tormenting affliction, I've read lists of symptoms that read just like...having a phone. Are multiple generations getting brain fog and ADHD-esque distraction because of this tool meant to distract us in an addictive way?? This is probably a deeper question than what I spend most of the time wondering, which is, "Why is everyone in Europe??" Without Instagram, I don't wonder that as much ;)
When I'm on the socials (and here) I'm constantly wondering, "Why is everyone in America?" 🤣 And the brain fog/rewiring is real. I also walked away from IG without saying a proper goodbye, and feeling a little mixed up about it, but I'm doing okay so far. Amazingly, my focus shifted (quite quickly) to things I've been wanting to pay more attention to. For me, it was absolutely an addiction... that I'm so much healthier without.
Thank you. By the time I neared the end of your writing I found myself anxious to finish so I could get off my phone - hah!
Hhahhaha I love that so much!!! The ultimate goal I never knew I wanted!
I love this reflection and admire you for taking a step away from something that you recognized as a crutch and leaning more into life fully. I have an Instagram account where I review books and read other book reviews. And that’s it. Theoretically, I could do this on Goodreads, but I have found my little bubble of book friends on “Bookstagram” to be much more engaging. I quit Facebook during the 2020 election cycle, and I deleted my personal Instagram in March of 2022 after a friend from high school passed away and I realized that following along with what old friends share on social media wasn’t “keeping in touch” at all. Similar to you, I realized when I left that I never even LIKED Instagram and Facebook--at least not as they are traditionally used and had been used by me. I have also been more intentional with where and when I receive news and how I connect with others, and it has been a breath of fresh air.
You sound like such a good example of how a person can (actually!) have a GOOD relationship with Instagram! I've been wondering if it's possible, and you've made me believe. :) It's so funny; I imagine that people would assume that my unhealthy relationship with Instagram came from my public account (and the inevitable equating number of 'likes' with self-worth, etc) but it actually all came from my private account where I have 400 followers! It became exhausting keeping up with people I barely know and also tiring to present my life in a certain way. On my public account, I'm just posting art that actually has little to do with my personal life and it feels so much healthier. I'm so inspired that you've been more intentional about news and personal connection. I really, really appreciate your story!
I can totally relate Mari. I too have taken a step back on socials but also need venues. Everyday I would turn in my favorite morning shows to help me get ready for the day. The amount of negativity was enough to leave me in a state of never wanting to leave my house!
I am so much happier and more relaxed without all the BS. A family meme we commented on absence and replied how I can’t put my head in the sand. I said indeed I can because when I want information I will seek it on my own. Thanks Mari for your insightful thoughts and reflections.
Oh I love that! Not to sound like a total conspiracy theorist but it's become so obvious to me that mainstream media is centered around fear. I never hear any solutions, just the problem as it escalades. I used to LOVE keeping up with the news and now it just makes me really, really sad (although I still love the third hour of the Today Show ;). I know my values well enough to know who and what I'll vote for; I don't need catastrophic "news" to tell me how I feel!
It's been such an empowering experience to seek information on my own, from all sorts of sources. It's brought me back to the enjoyment of learning and keeping up with events I find interesting.
I love having a companion in you, Wendy!
Wow - well said. I have always had a love/hate relationship with social media - esp Instagram. For me the cons were outweighing the pros - not to mention the ridiculous amount of time I wasted on there. As a creative person, it was killing my motivation instead of propelling me forward. I haven’t been on in many months and do not plan to go back. I am a much happier person living in the real world and enjoying and savoring quiet moments for what they are.
Oh, how this resonated. I've been off all social media for a few years now, and your thoughtful reflection gave me delicious language for processing before-leaving-social-media me and after-leaving-social-media-me.
A gentle note: While I understand the purpose of the story of the vegan chef for this piece, I found it and the language sprinkled throughout re "junk" food agitated my post-diet culture, ED-recovery, anti-fat-bias healing self. It may seem innocuous, but any time we use language to pit "good" food against "bad" food, it contributes to the perniciousness of food moralizing and body/health/weight stigma.
I've read and re-read your post many times. It really resonated with me - especially the note about reaching for Instagram when you weren't really in the right frame of mind. I often do it absentmindedly without even thinking as a 'break'. I'm now trying to use it less (Screen Time limits is sort of working) and using DuoLingo to continue to learn Italian. I feel like awareness is the first step in the right direction. I am always grateful for your posts and your writing and I love sitting and concentrating on reading. A much better 'pause' than Instagram could ever give. Thank you!
They say the universe sends you things you need, and it couldn't be truer of this post. Instagram is the only social media I'm on right now but it suddenly feels a bit much (I quit Facebook and deleted my Twitter account a while ago). Initially, it did feel quiet, intimate, curated (although even that feels like a bad word now). But of late, I find myself questioning some friendships because of the dichotomies between their social media and their real life scenarios and I feel truly fatigued trying to match the two and then realizing why would they match? But like someone said out here that ultimately you write for one person, and I don't know who that person is anymore and that worries me. Switching to a private account didn't help much because after a point, it is a pain to screen follow requests and then there is a FOMO of not being shareable , etc. I like the accidental intimacies of insta and I have made many good friends here and I probably will grieve the loss of those, but then most times, I am not happy when I am on it, and then I am angry with myself for having wasted so much time on it and it's a downward spiral from there. I have benefited hugely from it - found help when i needed it, got many story ideas, had garage sales, created a sisterhood of sustainable living of sorts, shared many food/DIY ideas. But when I think about it, I think I could probably have all those things even off it, because then I will see more, feel more, live more. So thank you Mari, for setting me free! I am heading to instagram to write my last post.
Wow Mari, I loved this. I have been off of my personal Instagram about the same length of time as you and recently paused my business account. I always articulated my relationship with IG as “compulsive” but “not regulated” is so much more compassionate-thank you for sharing your experiences so beautifully!
Staci this comment really comforted me!! I feel so happy we're on the same timeline! Giving up the business account is so so hard. I'm not there yet, but I think it's clear to everyone how little I care about it (and my ego doesn't love the dramatic drop in followers every time I post ;) I have to keep reminding myself that artists and business-owners and EVERYONE existed before Instagram! I've recently had to remind book publishers of that as they wonder how I'll sell a book if I'm not posting about it...well, uh, y'all did it for HUNDREDS OF YEARS!
Wow, what an article! Thank you for this!
Mari this was one of the many emails that have been languishing in my inbox, waiting to be read. A 3 hour flight delay finally gave me time to catch up and oh how glad I am to have read this. The idea of insta “taking me away” from reality really resonates. I often go on it when I feel I need a mental break to just mindlessly scroll but really when you reflect on it, I don’t ever leave feeling well rested or better about myself/ the state of things. As always your writing puts my thoughts into words more than I ever could. Thank you!
Those last two paragraphs. So much yes. And I love love love this: "Sacred response". Such a reminder to notice reactivity versus response, letting things come at us, rather than engaging with them intentionally. Choosing how we spend our precious energy and how we decide to feed ourselves. Thank you for this!❤
This is the best thing I’ve read in a LONG time. It all resonates, deeply. Wow. Thank you.