I loved everything about this. So beautifully said. All of it. Especially loved the parts about “people who have learned not to get their way” and being 28 and looking around a bar and thinking “you’re all going to die someday.” I lost my dad at 25 and that part really hits home. Also SO appreciated learning that your mom moved to NY at 72. It’s always been a dream of mine to do this someday, and at 30 years old it’s been tempting to think that opportunity has passed. Thank you for the reminder that it most certainly has not. 💗
"at 30 years old it’s been tempting to think that opportunity has passed" <-- I so get that! I recently re-read some journals from my early 20s and it is equal parts hilarious and tragic how many things I already felt "too old for" at age 22!!! I think we will always find ways to feel too old (or young, honestly!) because dopey society has convinced us to measure our life that way. I really hope you move to NYC! I did it at 32, so you're right on time :)
I’m 71 and often feel ageless as I follow my curiosity and live each day doing what feels like the next right thing. That is, until I sit with some people my age and realize that our bodies are talking to us in new ways that can feel challenging and life altering. My own body is asking me to make changes in the way I garden and I went ice skating at Christmas and was shocked that I didn’t glide around the ice in ways I used to. This business of creating a life also means accepting ourselves in a culture that refuses to believe we are temporal beings. I sat across from a friend this week who was deeply bruised around her mouth from a new round of Botox injections which she is hoping still keeps her relevant in the job market where she lives in dread that someone will discover her real age. She posited that neither of us "look" our age. In that moment, I embraced my gray hair, body that is no longer thin and flexible, and face that has all the lines reflecting a life fully lived in ways that I couldn’t before. The alternative just felt so empty.
Oof, Carolyn, this is so wise. I have a friend group my age (late 30s-40s) who are in the fashion industry and already feel so much pressure to look younger. At one point there was a big discussion about the best fillers for "smile lines." I have very pronounced smile lines from genetics, and I've also always been very smiley--since I was a baby! For a moment I felt sick with insecurity; then I realized how crazy all of this was! Getting rid of the lines that are evidence of standing for my own joy!? Absolutely not!!!
I have a lot of fears around the inevitability of my body changing, and I'm hoping I can wear my home as a turtle does--neutrally. I love to dance and I'm scared of slowing down, scared of losing my hard-won flexibility. I suppose one little gift is that I was paralyzed before with so many months of recovery (and permanent mobility issues) so maybe I can handle it better than I think. Perhaps I'm overcompensating by trying to romanticize the process, but our culture is certainly stacked against us.
Your comment has given me much to think about. And my mom said 72 was her favorite age :)
Thanks for this. I loved reading how you’re navigating all this. It really wasn’t such an issue for me when I was in my 30’s and 40’s because Botox and fillers were not a thing then. I don't remember being particularly concerned about wrinkles nor was anyone around me. But I grew up in the hippie culture of the late 60’s and 70’s and we weren’t listening to anything culture dictated in those years. Fast forward to now and I seem to suddenly be 71. I just read a study that showed our 60’s are the most productive decade of our lives followed closely by our 70’s. Look what you have to look forward to. Onward!
Mari, this couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m laying in bed after a long day of existential dread, and after reading this, my whole body feels like an exhale. I’m turning 25 in a few days. I always imagined that at 25, I’d be in graduate school in some artsy city with a fun sitcom friend group. Instead, I’m unemployed, lonely, afraid, and dealing with the reality of a disability that will impact my life forever. Thank you for reminding me that this isn’t the final destination, and that it’s okay if I don’t end up living my idealized 25-year-old life until I’m 40. I sometimes joke, self-deprecatingly, that I’m in my “flop era.” Now, I think of my flop era with a smile! I can’t wait to see what era comes next. Thank you for sharing your brain and heart and soul. xx
Oh Renee, I can so relate. I remember waking up on my 25th birthday--WITH THE FLU, NO LESS--and crying. I had the worst job ever, in a city I hated, with no friends, and it seemed like everyone around me was living the dream. I told myself I was way too old to become a writer, and I had surrendered to a sad boring life because I thought it was all that was available to me. The next year was the glitter-explosion. My late 20s were a dream. And life has only gotten better. One time a psychic told me that my best career decade would be my 60s, and I'm really looking forward to that :) You will laugh about 25 some day, I promise. I KNOW you're probably hearing "you're so/still young" but you're the oldest you've ever been, so of course you feel afraid! It gets better. It gets better. It gets better. I can't wait to hear from you next year ;)
Mari what a powerful essay. One of the parts that meant so much to me was your observation that you wanted more growth not more followers. That's a voice from your soul ( growth) instead of your ego( followers). Profound. Wise. Thank you and Sending Love.
Oh my gosh YES!! I am constantly trying to assess my decisions by that tug-of-war between soul and ego...and my ego is VERY strong :) I appreciate you so much, Sherry!
Okay so this bit "she’s an effervescent champagne cocktail of a person: bright, sparkling, and spilling over the brim with bubbly laughter" is exactly what I wish to embody now and then well into my forties. I have loved reading about your hairdresser's wedding. It made me feel incredibly giddy and exalted.
Last week, a work friend of mine who is about to turn 24 said she felt old. At first I thought "what rubbish" but then I remembered that the last year, she lost her grandma, her mum, her dog is dying of cancer, and all sorts of other issues. I can only imagine that these life events will make you feel a 100 years older than everyone else in your age group. On the other hand, one of my very best friends, a wonderful world-traveler, rock'n'roll soul with impeccable music taste who is 55 now, has always said to me "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up".
I also look at myself over the last decade, a deeply painful one, and I see how after an short, intense bout of freedom, I became very old. I could have learned to paint, I could have written books, travelled more, built a career. Instead I made my world as small as could be. I am still grieving those years spent crying, drinking, lying in bed unmotivated, not understanding what was wrong with me, trying again and again to get better. But weirdly, I don’t regret anything.
Now, approaching 37, I feel like I got my youth back but it is combined with a deep appreciation of the simple things, more maturity, better (much better) values and zero need to impress anyone other than my 8 and 80 year-old selves (guess where I got this from?) Sometimes I feel so profoundly happy and in awe, connected to the world around me, that I could cry.
I don't relate to my age at all and I feel in my bones the possibilities I didn't know existed but wished for when I was a kid. I've always wanted to live a thousand lives but I couldn't figure out how to do it when everyone around was just doing the things one is supposed to do. And seeing your mum move to New York and having such a rich social life at 72 is making me feel very hopeful for the future. I also could move to New York for a little while (oh what a dream).
Thinking about being "old", I see similar thoughts expressed in sobriety groups where people are relishing being boring and brandishing it with panache to the crowd that keep saying "oh you're not drinking, what a bore you must be". I know that it is truly a gift to relearn how to live and to be able to enjoy a very quiet life after years, often decades of self-destruction and chaos, but I didn't get sober to be in bed everyday at 8! I too take such a delight in my quiet nights and in tending carefully to my daily life and admin but I must say I still haven't figured out how to have fun, unbridled fun and how to cause a bit of mischief while sober. Afters 2 years of retreat to relearn how to live and get stronger, now life is expanding in all directions but I am missing my fun. We'll see.
Ouch that was a long one. Thank you for this essay, I really really felt it.
Cécile, Cécile...have I told you that your comments are the greatest compliment to me, that someone so fascinating and wise engages with my work? There's nothing else I could ever want!
Before you ended that stunning paragraph with "But weirdly, I don’t regret anything," I was going to wax poetic about how sometimes our world needs to feel small just so we can cope. Of course, you are smarter than I am and you know that :) I think about my friend Ruthie Lindsey (fascinating soul, if you don't know her work) who essentially lived in her bed for 7 years during her late 20s-early 30s due to physical pain, but mostly emotional pain. That time was her cocoon, her becoming. Of course there are times I wish I had been more motivated, more open, more productive and curious, but then I'd be a completely different person.
I, too, have seen such appreciation for the boring in sobriety groups and narratives, and for a while I can relate. Then, I start to think that maybe "fun" (too weak a word for what I mean) must have SOME self-destructive quality to it. Can you really have fun while being conscious of your mortality?? For me, probably not? So there needs to be some suspension of disbelief. There is such a "you only live once" element to throwing back 8 vodka-tonics in an evening. I'm sure that sober fun exists, but it probably exists with a different definition, like how there are infinite definitions for love and they really do mean different things. I'm also wondering what decadence looks like in sobriety, but that's another story...
Isn't Reagan's wedding heaven? You may be unsurprised to learn that her husband is French; I do think Western Europe has mastered the art of age-fluidity.
My goodness, smarter than you, no, definitely not. A million thank you for your reply, this made me a bit teary. And oh yes, this wedding looked like heaven. And I love learning that her husband is French. He seems so delightful. For some reason, French men seem quite serious to me... but I haven't been living there in such a long time.
Okay, so, you talk about decadence in sobriety... I am right there with you (and also on those 8 vodka tonics eheh) and that's why I strongly recommend this book called The Sober Lush (https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/49349150). I love re-reading it when I feel a little dull and uninspired. I struggled at first with the third person narration and it can be -very- middle-class but it opened my mind to what could be a life filled with elegance, art, hedonism without alcohol in it.
I really like your perspective about fun and self-destruction. It's given me a lot to think about. I guess it is the classic Eros and Thanatos theory. Life and death (and art) always intertwined, especially like you said, for those of us born a little mournful.
Queen Emily! 😭 I'm going to try to avoid gushing and simply say 'thank you' for modeling age fluidity so beautifully, and for looking social media straight in the eye and saying "Not today, buddy" so beautifully as well. During my darkest Instagram days (what an insane phrase), listening to interviews with you was a hopeful, funny, glorious balm. I owe so much to you. Including completion vs quitting!!!!!
This was Lovely. Poignant, funny; chock full of wisdom & heart. I am 53. Some days I feel like I’m 27, other days 5😂, or 15 (if I’m in a sassy mood); and some days, I feel like I imagine an 80 year old might. I became a Mama at 19, had 3 more children spanning 3 decades, losing 2 along the way, & now I’m also raising my 8 year old nephew. I don’t know what era I’m in, but it feels messy, sleepless & yet, transformative; a dark night crucible with dapples of decadence & joy. In spite of myself (& so many circumstantial invitations to give up,) or perhaps at least to stop going all in on my life; there is something inside of me that keeps hold of the thread of vitality, of life force, even when frayed. Finding your words (& art) tonight was perfect timing. Thank you.
Oooooo your writing gave me chills--"a dark night crucible with dapples of decadence & joy." Wowww. And a frayed thread of vitality is a gorgeous image; I'm imagining it burgundy. In elementary school we read a children's poem about how, when you're 11, you're also 3, and also 9, and also 6, and I think about it so often. Then there's also that future self who feels knowable, like a phantom limb, reaching out from a future that doesn't exist yet feels like it's always existed. Whoa, time! I love how CS Lewis writes that humans are clearly not made to live in time, as it's endlessly mysterious to us!
Blushing ☺️ over your praise & grateful for your attention to my words. 💕Burgundy is prefect. For me-it evokes velvet & blood; life & death together; perhaps because my Mama made me my favorite Christmas dress (the very last one) in a rich Burgundy velvet & she is on my heart this MDay weekend.
& Yes!! to this poem!!! You are triggering a memory. 💛
I will need to look this up. And C.S. Lewis-so magical & true.✨ Thank you for your words!!!
I can't tell you how much I love and relate to this. I am 25, which is by all accounts young, but I often feel that I "lost" my early 20s to the pandemic. That being said . . . who's to say that 25, 40, 65 can't feel like 21? I also often think that I aged in reverse, going from being an introverted homebody and an "old soul" (what does that even mean, really?) during my teenage years to hitting my "party phase" about 5-10 years later than most people I know. I think that something that has been so beneficial to me as I age is have friends in all decades of their life. My very best friend from my last job is 15 years older than me (she also had a lot of weird feelings about turning 40 last year and people making weird comments about it). Another close friend is in her 60s and now retired. Our society puts waaaaay too much emphasis on youth and conflates it with vitality, in my opinion
So felt on the pandemic thing (28 here). It can feel like our designated "wild and fun" years were stolen and replaced with zoom happy hours, and I've felt like maybe I'm the only one reserving my right to be extra fun into my 30s (and beyond) to make up for it. Many of my friends seem to have skipped straight from frat parties to gardening on the weekends and saying bars are "too loud" lol.
Oh Alexa...the pandemic was SUCH a time thief. I kept wondering which age demographic had it the worst (obviously there's no clear "winner"). In my late-ish 30s, a lot of my friends felt the same way about "missing out" on their early 30s, those last youthful years before babies, especially. I looooove that you have intergenerational friendships, as I do too--they are the greatest blessing of my life. I tend to make friends who are older, but now I'm really valuing my younger friends. I never want to feel out of touch with the wisdom of youth!
Such a great post! I grew up strictly Mormon, like your hairdresser, and I am that 28-year-old at a bar marveling at the fragility of life!!!! This was such a good read for me. I think I’m emerging on an explosion of glitter, and it’s fun to hear from someone who has done it before. Thanks Mari! ✨
Mari I discovered your work today and I'm so blown away by your clarity and emotional openness. Love love love the illustrations and your vibrant thoughts. What a gift you are to the rest of us!!
If I could “like” this post twice I would. Absolutely loved every point and reflection in this — and I feel so many of your sentiments. Thank you for sharing these words! 🦋
I’m so delighted that I arrived late to this party today because the comment section was just as exquisite as your essay. My 40 milestone was a weight lifted because I felt like I no longer had to look and act young for my age (ugh, all of my 30s). But at 44, something’s felt off. And after reading this, the concept of “age fluidity” scratches me right where I itch. Maybe even “age neutral.” (Not at all to poke fun at gender neutrality, but honestly, why can’t we just NOT feel an age?! Maybe we don’t have to mentally check our driver’s license to see if we’re allowed to do or not do something?) “Awe” was my Word of the Month for May, so I’m feeling the synchronistic need to revisit what takes my breath away. Before it’s gone for good!
Mari! Thank you for this perspective. As someone who also spent my youth trying to live by-the-book and check off the Serious Adulthood boxes, the image of your "meticulously-crafted self explod[ing] into bright confetti" resonated so deeply with me. At age 30, I did a hard-fork from that old version of life and into a new and gloriously uncharted version I'm living now. I loved the phrase "more invested in their own joy" too. It's a much better compass than Doing Things Right. Thank you for writing this!
I loved this so much. Thank you. I just turned 47 and I do get told I look much younger frequently (and unlike your friend I am secretly glad every time- working on that, or at least noticing). But I was saying to my husband last night that now that our kids are out of the house, I just feel like a young person again. I don’t feel like a mom 24/7. I just feel like we are living this young somewhat carefree life again and it feels GREAT and I definitely don’t identify with my age. Like I forget my age because I feel young! Next thing- I LOVE your thoughts about people asking you “what’s next” after your art show. I recently had a career win with a new opportunity and yesterday someone asked me “so where do you see yourself in 10 years with that?” And i had no idea what to say because my brain hadn’t gone there or didn’t feel like it needed to. My answer was more like “well wherever the flow of life takes me” than “Here’s my 10 year plan for success.” I’m right here in this moment, thankful for what I’ve been given and excited to work on it. And that’s all I got! I really really love the idea of “Eras”. I’m going to definitely use that one. XO
I saved this to read today, as if I somehow knew I would need to read it today (on a road that feels squiggly and I hope will look straighter in hindsight). I am running out of ways to describe the precision, care and compassion with which you render complicated emotional states and moments, so I'll pivot to gratitude instead. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words and thoughts with us. And Happy Mother's Day to your lovely mom!
I loved everything about this. So beautifully said. All of it. Especially loved the parts about “people who have learned not to get their way” and being 28 and looking around a bar and thinking “you’re all going to die someday.” I lost my dad at 25 and that part really hits home. Also SO appreciated learning that your mom moved to NY at 72. It’s always been a dream of mine to do this someday, and at 30 years old it’s been tempting to think that opportunity has passed. Thank you for the reminder that it most certainly has not. 💗
"at 30 years old it’s been tempting to think that opportunity has passed" <-- I so get that! I recently re-read some journals from my early 20s and it is equal parts hilarious and tragic how many things I already felt "too old for" at age 22!!! I think we will always find ways to feel too old (or young, honestly!) because dopey society has convinced us to measure our life that way. I really hope you move to NYC! I did it at 32, so you're right on time :)
SO true!! Thank you 🥹
As a 30 y.o. who literally just moved to NYC, it's never too late for your NYC era!!
Congrats on your move, and thank you for providing more inspiration!! You are LIVING! 🙌
I’m 71 and often feel ageless as I follow my curiosity and live each day doing what feels like the next right thing. That is, until I sit with some people my age and realize that our bodies are talking to us in new ways that can feel challenging and life altering. My own body is asking me to make changes in the way I garden and I went ice skating at Christmas and was shocked that I didn’t glide around the ice in ways I used to. This business of creating a life also means accepting ourselves in a culture that refuses to believe we are temporal beings. I sat across from a friend this week who was deeply bruised around her mouth from a new round of Botox injections which she is hoping still keeps her relevant in the job market where she lives in dread that someone will discover her real age. She posited that neither of us "look" our age. In that moment, I embraced my gray hair, body that is no longer thin and flexible, and face that has all the lines reflecting a life fully lived in ways that I couldn’t before. The alternative just felt so empty.
Oof, Carolyn, this is so wise. I have a friend group my age (late 30s-40s) who are in the fashion industry and already feel so much pressure to look younger. At one point there was a big discussion about the best fillers for "smile lines." I have very pronounced smile lines from genetics, and I've also always been very smiley--since I was a baby! For a moment I felt sick with insecurity; then I realized how crazy all of this was! Getting rid of the lines that are evidence of standing for my own joy!? Absolutely not!!!
I have a lot of fears around the inevitability of my body changing, and I'm hoping I can wear my home as a turtle does--neutrally. I love to dance and I'm scared of slowing down, scared of losing my hard-won flexibility. I suppose one little gift is that I was paralyzed before with so many months of recovery (and permanent mobility issues) so maybe I can handle it better than I think. Perhaps I'm overcompensating by trying to romanticize the process, but our culture is certainly stacked against us.
Your comment has given me much to think about. And my mom said 72 was her favorite age :)
Thanks for this. I loved reading how you’re navigating all this. It really wasn’t such an issue for me when I was in my 30’s and 40’s because Botox and fillers were not a thing then. I don't remember being particularly concerned about wrinkles nor was anyone around me. But I grew up in the hippie culture of the late 60’s and 70’s and we weren’t listening to anything culture dictated in those years. Fast forward to now and I seem to suddenly be 71. I just read a study that showed our 60’s are the most productive decade of our lives followed closely by our 70’s. Look what you have to look forward to. Onward!
Mari, this couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m laying in bed after a long day of existential dread, and after reading this, my whole body feels like an exhale. I’m turning 25 in a few days. I always imagined that at 25, I’d be in graduate school in some artsy city with a fun sitcom friend group. Instead, I’m unemployed, lonely, afraid, and dealing with the reality of a disability that will impact my life forever. Thank you for reminding me that this isn’t the final destination, and that it’s okay if I don’t end up living my idealized 25-year-old life until I’m 40. I sometimes joke, self-deprecatingly, that I’m in my “flop era.” Now, I think of my flop era with a smile! I can’t wait to see what era comes next. Thank you for sharing your brain and heart and soul. xx
Oh Renee, I can so relate. I remember waking up on my 25th birthday--WITH THE FLU, NO LESS--and crying. I had the worst job ever, in a city I hated, with no friends, and it seemed like everyone around me was living the dream. I told myself I was way too old to become a writer, and I had surrendered to a sad boring life because I thought it was all that was available to me. The next year was the glitter-explosion. My late 20s were a dream. And life has only gotten better. One time a psychic told me that my best career decade would be my 60s, and I'm really looking forward to that :) You will laugh about 25 some day, I promise. I KNOW you're probably hearing "you're so/still young" but you're the oldest you've ever been, so of course you feel afraid! It gets better. It gets better. It gets better. I can't wait to hear from you next year ;)
Hey! I am turning 30 next year and just wanted to let you know that I recognise your feelings 🩵 and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday! 🌸🎈
I think in correct English I wanted to say I relate to your feelings (directly translated from Dutch it’s recognise) 🙏🏼🤗
Mari what a powerful essay. One of the parts that meant so much to me was your observation that you wanted more growth not more followers. That's a voice from your soul ( growth) instead of your ego( followers). Profound. Wise. Thank you and Sending Love.
Oh my gosh YES!! I am constantly trying to assess my decisions by that tug-of-war between soul and ego...and my ego is VERY strong :) I appreciate you so much, Sherry!
Okay so this bit "she’s an effervescent champagne cocktail of a person: bright, sparkling, and spilling over the brim with bubbly laughter" is exactly what I wish to embody now and then well into my forties. I have loved reading about your hairdresser's wedding. It made me feel incredibly giddy and exalted.
Last week, a work friend of mine who is about to turn 24 said she felt old. At first I thought "what rubbish" but then I remembered that the last year, she lost her grandma, her mum, her dog is dying of cancer, and all sorts of other issues. I can only imagine that these life events will make you feel a 100 years older than everyone else in your age group. On the other hand, one of my very best friends, a wonderful world-traveler, rock'n'roll soul with impeccable music taste who is 55 now, has always said to me "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up".
I also look at myself over the last decade, a deeply painful one, and I see how after an short, intense bout of freedom, I became very old. I could have learned to paint, I could have written books, travelled more, built a career. Instead I made my world as small as could be. I am still grieving those years spent crying, drinking, lying in bed unmotivated, not understanding what was wrong with me, trying again and again to get better. But weirdly, I don’t regret anything.
Now, approaching 37, I feel like I got my youth back but it is combined with a deep appreciation of the simple things, more maturity, better (much better) values and zero need to impress anyone other than my 8 and 80 year-old selves (guess where I got this from?) Sometimes I feel so profoundly happy and in awe, connected to the world around me, that I could cry.
I don't relate to my age at all and I feel in my bones the possibilities I didn't know existed but wished for when I was a kid. I've always wanted to live a thousand lives but I couldn't figure out how to do it when everyone around was just doing the things one is supposed to do. And seeing your mum move to New York and having such a rich social life at 72 is making me feel very hopeful for the future. I also could move to New York for a little while (oh what a dream).
Thinking about being "old", I see similar thoughts expressed in sobriety groups where people are relishing being boring and brandishing it with panache to the crowd that keep saying "oh you're not drinking, what a bore you must be". I know that it is truly a gift to relearn how to live and to be able to enjoy a very quiet life after years, often decades of self-destruction and chaos, but I didn't get sober to be in bed everyday at 8! I too take such a delight in my quiet nights and in tending carefully to my daily life and admin but I must say I still haven't figured out how to have fun, unbridled fun and how to cause a bit of mischief while sober. Afters 2 years of retreat to relearn how to live and get stronger, now life is expanding in all directions but I am missing my fun. We'll see.
Ouch that was a long one. Thank you for this essay, I really really felt it.
Cécile, Cécile...have I told you that your comments are the greatest compliment to me, that someone so fascinating and wise engages with my work? There's nothing else I could ever want!
Before you ended that stunning paragraph with "But weirdly, I don’t regret anything," I was going to wax poetic about how sometimes our world needs to feel small just so we can cope. Of course, you are smarter than I am and you know that :) I think about my friend Ruthie Lindsey (fascinating soul, if you don't know her work) who essentially lived in her bed for 7 years during her late 20s-early 30s due to physical pain, but mostly emotional pain. That time was her cocoon, her becoming. Of course there are times I wish I had been more motivated, more open, more productive and curious, but then I'd be a completely different person.
I, too, have seen such appreciation for the boring in sobriety groups and narratives, and for a while I can relate. Then, I start to think that maybe "fun" (too weak a word for what I mean) must have SOME self-destructive quality to it. Can you really have fun while being conscious of your mortality?? For me, probably not? So there needs to be some suspension of disbelief. There is such a "you only live once" element to throwing back 8 vodka-tonics in an evening. I'm sure that sober fun exists, but it probably exists with a different definition, like how there are infinite definitions for love and they really do mean different things. I'm also wondering what decadence looks like in sobriety, but that's another story...
Isn't Reagan's wedding heaven? You may be unsurprised to learn that her husband is French; I do think Western Europe has mastered the art of age-fluidity.
Thank you so, so much for reading.
My goodness, smarter than you, no, definitely not. A million thank you for your reply, this made me a bit teary. And oh yes, this wedding looked like heaven. And I love learning that her husband is French. He seems so delightful. For some reason, French men seem quite serious to me... but I haven't been living there in such a long time.
Okay, so, you talk about decadence in sobriety... I am right there with you (and also on those 8 vodka tonics eheh) and that's why I strongly recommend this book called The Sober Lush (https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/49349150). I love re-reading it when I feel a little dull and uninspired. I struggled at first with the third person narration and it can be -very- middle-class but it opened my mind to what could be a life filled with elegance, art, hedonism without alcohol in it.
I really like your perspective about fun and self-destruction. It's given me a lot to think about. I guess it is the classic Eros and Thanatos theory. Life and death (and art) always intertwined, especially like you said, for those of us born a little mournful.
Yes yes yes! Co-signed by this menopausal 48-year-old with gray hair who simultaneously feels younger than I ever have.
And this: “Whenever I meet someone whose vitality transcends age, I assume they’ve learned how to not get their way.” Absolutely perfectly observed.
(Thank you, also, for the link to my piece!) ❤️
Queen Emily! 😭 I'm going to try to avoid gushing and simply say 'thank you' for modeling age fluidity so beautifully, and for looking social media straight in the eye and saying "Not today, buddy" so beautifully as well. During my darkest Instagram days (what an insane phrase), listening to interviews with you was a hopeful, funny, glorious balm. I owe so much to you. Including completion vs quitting!!!!!
This was Lovely. Poignant, funny; chock full of wisdom & heart. I am 53. Some days I feel like I’m 27, other days 5😂, or 15 (if I’m in a sassy mood); and some days, I feel like I imagine an 80 year old might. I became a Mama at 19, had 3 more children spanning 3 decades, losing 2 along the way, & now I’m also raising my 8 year old nephew. I don’t know what era I’m in, but it feels messy, sleepless & yet, transformative; a dark night crucible with dapples of decadence & joy. In spite of myself (& so many circumstantial invitations to give up,) or perhaps at least to stop going all in on my life; there is something inside of me that keeps hold of the thread of vitality, of life force, even when frayed. Finding your words (& art) tonight was perfect timing. Thank you.
Oooooo your writing gave me chills--"a dark night crucible with dapples of decadence & joy." Wowww. And a frayed thread of vitality is a gorgeous image; I'm imagining it burgundy. In elementary school we read a children's poem about how, when you're 11, you're also 3, and also 9, and also 6, and I think about it so often. Then there's also that future self who feels knowable, like a phantom limb, reaching out from a future that doesn't exist yet feels like it's always existed. Whoa, time! I love how CS Lewis writes that humans are clearly not made to live in time, as it's endlessly mysterious to us!
Blushing ☺️ over your praise & grateful for your attention to my words. 💕Burgundy is prefect. For me-it evokes velvet & blood; life & death together; perhaps because my Mama made me my favorite Christmas dress (the very last one) in a rich Burgundy velvet & she is on my heart this MDay weekend.
& Yes!! to this poem!!! You are triggering a memory. 💛
I will need to look this up. And C.S. Lewis-so magical & true.✨ Thank you for your words!!!
YOU are a poet. So grateful for your words, which have taken up residency in my brain!
☺️✨♥️
I can't tell you how much I love and relate to this. I am 25, which is by all accounts young, but I often feel that I "lost" my early 20s to the pandemic. That being said . . . who's to say that 25, 40, 65 can't feel like 21? I also often think that I aged in reverse, going from being an introverted homebody and an "old soul" (what does that even mean, really?) during my teenage years to hitting my "party phase" about 5-10 years later than most people I know. I think that something that has been so beneficial to me as I age is have friends in all decades of their life. My very best friend from my last job is 15 years older than me (she also had a lot of weird feelings about turning 40 last year and people making weird comments about it). Another close friend is in her 60s and now retired. Our society puts waaaaay too much emphasis on youth and conflates it with vitality, in my opinion
So felt on the pandemic thing (28 here). It can feel like our designated "wild and fun" years were stolen and replaced with zoom happy hours, and I've felt like maybe I'm the only one reserving my right to be extra fun into my 30s (and beyond) to make up for it. Many of my friends seem to have skipped straight from frat parties to gardening on the weekends and saying bars are "too loud" lol.
Oh Alexa...the pandemic was SUCH a time thief. I kept wondering which age demographic had it the worst (obviously there's no clear "winner"). In my late-ish 30s, a lot of my friends felt the same way about "missing out" on their early 30s, those last youthful years before babies, especially. I looooove that you have intergenerational friendships, as I do too--they are the greatest blessing of my life. I tend to make friends who are older, but now I'm really valuing my younger friends. I never want to feel out of touch with the wisdom of youth!
Such a great post! I grew up strictly Mormon, like your hairdresser, and I am that 28-year-old at a bar marveling at the fragility of life!!!! This was such a good read for me. I think I’m emerging on an explosion of glitter, and it’s fun to hear from someone who has done it before. Thanks Mari! ✨
I wish we were both 28 at the same bar together!!!!! We could enjoy the goodness, the God, the gravity, and the glitter together!! <3
Mari I discovered your work today and I'm so blown away by your clarity and emotional openness. Love love love the illustrations and your vibrant thoughts. What a gift you are to the rest of us!!
If I could “like” this post twice I would. Absolutely loved every point and reflection in this — and I feel so many of your sentiments. Thank you for sharing these words! 🦋
I’m so delighted that I arrived late to this party today because the comment section was just as exquisite as your essay. My 40 milestone was a weight lifted because I felt like I no longer had to look and act young for my age (ugh, all of my 30s). But at 44, something’s felt off. And after reading this, the concept of “age fluidity” scratches me right where I itch. Maybe even “age neutral.” (Not at all to poke fun at gender neutrality, but honestly, why can’t we just NOT feel an age?! Maybe we don’t have to mentally check our driver’s license to see if we’re allowed to do or not do something?) “Awe” was my Word of the Month for May, so I’m feeling the synchronistic need to revisit what takes my breath away. Before it’s gone for good!
Mari! Thank you for this perspective. As someone who also spent my youth trying to live by-the-book and check off the Serious Adulthood boxes, the image of your "meticulously-crafted self explod[ing] into bright confetti" resonated so deeply with me. At age 30, I did a hard-fork from that old version of life and into a new and gloriously uncharted version I'm living now. I loved the phrase "more invested in their own joy" too. It's a much better compass than Doing Things Right. Thank you for writing this!
I loved this so much. Thank you. I just turned 47 and I do get told I look much younger frequently (and unlike your friend I am secretly glad every time- working on that, or at least noticing). But I was saying to my husband last night that now that our kids are out of the house, I just feel like a young person again. I don’t feel like a mom 24/7. I just feel like we are living this young somewhat carefree life again and it feels GREAT and I definitely don’t identify with my age. Like I forget my age because I feel young! Next thing- I LOVE your thoughts about people asking you “what’s next” after your art show. I recently had a career win with a new opportunity and yesterday someone asked me “so where do you see yourself in 10 years with that?” And i had no idea what to say because my brain hadn’t gone there or didn’t feel like it needed to. My answer was more like “well wherever the flow of life takes me” than “Here’s my 10 year plan for success.” I’m right here in this moment, thankful for what I’ve been given and excited to work on it. And that’s all I got! I really really love the idea of “Eras”. I’m going to definitely use that one. XO
You are such an inspired sol! Every time I read your letters, I feel invaded by a feeling of compassion and wisdom.
I saved this to read today, as if I somehow knew I would need to read it today (on a road that feels squiggly and I hope will look straighter in hindsight). I am running out of ways to describe the precision, care and compassion with which you render complicated emotional states and moments, so I'll pivot to gratitude instead. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words and thoughts with us. And Happy Mother's Day to your lovely mom!