I’m one of those people that makes friends super easily and I think you nailed it, Mari. I don’t approach new people as wanting them to be my friends already. I approach them as little adventures. Who will I talk to at this party? What will I learn? I’ve been described as someone who can talk to anyone and it’s true, because I’m just so curious about everyone and their lives and thoughts and how they got to this exact moment.
I’ve made friends from work and book club (lol yes, it’s possible) and finding local groups doing something I’m interested in and joining, volunteering, etc. Point is, sure, one part of the equation is being where people are, but the second, potentially more important, is to be curious and meet people where they are.
i love the idea of focusing on companionship first! i took a printmaking class recently, and while none of the folks there crossed over into “friends,” i still had such a lovely time socializing in an intimate setting over a shared goal. might try volunteering somewhere too, since that “container” is another crucial piece of friend-crafting i’ve been working on!
I'm working on making more friends lately and I think one of the hardest things is when you talk to someone at a class who desperately wants friends, wants to hang out, wants to do all the stuff- and then when you follow up and invite them to things, they always have something going on and can't come. The person I'm thinking about right now is a lovely girl and she seems really fun but I think the anxiety makes it hard for her to commit to any kind of "we're going to do this tonight", unless it's literally at the class we already come to, and we go right from there to another thing. Saying yes is so important. I chase people more than most people do- bc I want to make friends and i understand how the friction of getting to the actual thing is the biggest obstacle in the way, and I'm willing to chase a little. But after like 4 no's in a row... people will stop asking, you know?
So I guess my advice is if you are a person who has anxiety or has a hard time committing to things from the comfort of your home, things that are uncertain or require you to be out to get there- figure out a way to start saying yes more. Plan to host the event. Plan an event that's close enough to you there's no transit friction and you can go home early if you have to. Get a friend to come with you to the potentially scary rock climbing class where you want to meet more people. And sometimes you just have to swallow the frog and say yes to a thing that's across town bc that is where the people are and that's where social life is- not inside your bedroom.
Hey Mari! I love hearing your advice on this. “Be open” is something that’s hard to do. It takes a lot of emotional soft skills! I created a class about “how to make friends as an adult” because I am so passionate about this topic. I truly feel my friendships are the reason I have a joy filled life today. If bugs me how platonic friendships are overlooked for partnerships. Well done for shedding light on this topic.
We left a bevy of good supportive friends because of gun violence in the US, my kids were afraid to go to school, I was afraid to send them. My daughter asked me with tears streaming down her face, if we could play my Canadian citizenship card. So we arrived just short of the lockdown for the pandemic. I joined a Zoom movie club, which was incredible, the leader researched thoroughly, the choice of movies was great, saw some I would never have chosen, and discussions were so interesting. I had hoped it would segue into an in person club once the pandemic was sort of over, but the leader suddenly had some health issues, and no-one felt they could follow in her footsteps, so....like Oprah said, joined an in person bookclub, run by the owner of a new book store in our burb. However, she and one member had a preference for apoc·alyptic novels which I tired of, and then she wanted us to buy each new choice for the next meeting at her bookstore in order to ensure attendance. I did not want to commit $430/year to books I may not like and I like the premise of a library. I worked at a local ski resort to get a season's pass and meet new people. I did, most were younger than me including all my supervisors. Of the 3 that I got on with most, meeting at a brew pub or some snowshoeing, 2 left Canada after getting Permanence Residence, one wanted to buy a house, which is beyond possible here unless you are in the tech sector, and the other did not want to live in a country where a car is a necessity so they both went back to Britain. The third met a French man from the Alps, and is very much in love. I had one friend who lived here, we had met in NZ, both while teaching skiing at the same resort, she and her husband moved here, when I lived in 1/5 other countries. However, long divorced, she has now met a man from Golden, Colorado which is pretty close to where we were in the US. So......I do feel quite lonely. I did work in restaurants and catering when I was young, although work could be very fun in the back of the house, I didn't make long term friends out of it, but I agree that everyone on the planet should be made to do 1-2 years (I agree with the 2nd year mandate for those whose way in the world needs reconstruction). I did DW on Fridays volunteer at a high end soup kitchen, and enjoyed lots of great conversation with who-ever took it upon themselves to help me with all the pots and pans, but none morphed to friendship. I quit cooking school firstly because everything we made (beef bourguignon, etc,) we had to throw out (in the garbage, no compost then), when the Governor of Colorado was begging for Coloradoans to help feed 4,000 people brought from Louisiana during Hurricane Katrina, and housed in the Broncos stadium 4 blocks from the cooking school. However, I also was tired of hearing my much younger cooking mates say how they had been stoned on cocaine the night before, and their dad would have a fit as he had just spent $13,000 on their rehab. I feel friendless, very much so. I read alot. However, I will forge onward, with your container companionship suggestions preferably over food.
Loved this essay and your point about chapters for friendships is so spot on! One of my high school best friends and I fell out of touch after we graduated and then many, many years later we randomly reconnected and it turned out that our lives were now on parallel paths again and she's once again one of my closest confidants. You never know when people will show back up in your life! And also, it's okay if they don't!
I'm also planning a big move to a new country this year, and as I get the courage to make this big transition this question of making new friends has been very too of mind!
I have recently shifted my thinking from focusing on making new (close) friends, to just finding more ways to do things with people, even people I'm not especially close with. While I have wistfulness for the time when my best friends lived right around the corner, I find I'm mostly okay with having those intimate connections with my long-distance besties, and spending much of my day-to-day time with companions. Like you said, Mari, sometimes those companions turn into friends, but I no longer have that expectation. I've found that I feel way more socially connected now and am doing a lot things I enjoy.
Dear Mari, it may sound weird but you know those people who you look from afar and think: we would be great friends? You are that person to me! I've always thought that if you came to Mexico, I'd invite you for a cup of coffee, we would talk for hours and become really good friends haha.
What a beautiful perspective on friendship and companionship. Along with this viewpoint allowing us to find and keep friendship better, I also think it frees us up to BE better friends/companions. I’m struggling through a season of burnout and trying to make the crash landing like a model balsa-wood plane vs. a meteorite. I don’t have it in me to be an incredibly, constantly present friend at this very moment but I CRAVE and LOVE the people around me - we are just short on energy rations right now. Holding space for friendship/companionship at lower stakes makes me feel like I DO have something to offer, even while knowing that my burnout keeps me from being able to offer everything I wish. Thanks, Mari!
As your writing always does, Mari, this really made me think! I’m reflecting on the sometimes acquisitional nature of the desire to “make friends” — as if friends are something you collect. That being said, I know the profound desire for human connection well. I am the type that very easily “makes friends” - I can get phone numbers, schedule drinks, coffee, play dates with kids, etc. with almost alarming ease. But feeling confident and secure in the connection? That, I’m sorry to say my companions, has taken lots of therapy.
I loved reading this so much. It made me think of all of the companions and friendships I’ve made in the different chapters of my life over the years, many of them products of restaurant work and family meals. I took a sewing class a few years ago in a new city I lived in and one woman was so kind to me. We are Facebook friends now, and while I haven’t seen her since, I love remembering her kindness and her love for her dogs every time she I see her pop up in the feed. It is nice to remember this while being in a new chapter of life and feeling lonely. I know the companionship will come, as it always has. Thank you.🤍
I do a lot of work around community building. Organizing workshops and events. Working on projects with friends. Facilitating a lot of special and frequent moments.
I'm fortunate to have a lot of high quality relationships and owe it to a lot of intentional work. I've talked about it on a few podcasts and have started to write about it a little.
Figured I'd reach out in case you might have use for the content as a data point to reference, or have interest in a chat.
I really love this piece. It really hits home as I'm been desperately trying to "make friends" in the bay area since I moved here 6 years ago. Some of my favorite people in the Bay Area though are people I met on my train commute. Pre-panini, we'd all commute via Train and biked to and from the train stations. Since we had our bikes, we had to sit in the bike cars. So we all took the same train, on the same car, five days a week. One of them offered me a beer and I never looked back. Most of us, but not all, are in tech due to the area, and I'm probably the youngest but we spanned ~30-70 years old. We were all so different but we just became really good friends on our commute. A bunch of them are even invited to my wedding!
I’m one of those people that makes friends super easily and I think you nailed it, Mari. I don’t approach new people as wanting them to be my friends already. I approach them as little adventures. Who will I talk to at this party? What will I learn? I’ve been described as someone who can talk to anyone and it’s true, because I’m just so curious about everyone and their lives and thoughts and how they got to this exact moment.
I’ve made friends from work and book club (lol yes, it’s possible) and finding local groups doing something I’m interested in and joining, volunteering, etc. Point is, sure, one part of the equation is being where people are, but the second, potentially more important, is to be curious and meet people where they are.
i love the idea of focusing on companionship first! i took a printmaking class recently, and while none of the folks there crossed over into “friends,” i still had such a lovely time socializing in an intimate setting over a shared goal. might try volunteering somewhere too, since that “container” is another crucial piece of friend-crafting i’ve been working on!
I'm working on making more friends lately and I think one of the hardest things is when you talk to someone at a class who desperately wants friends, wants to hang out, wants to do all the stuff- and then when you follow up and invite them to things, they always have something going on and can't come. The person I'm thinking about right now is a lovely girl and she seems really fun but I think the anxiety makes it hard for her to commit to any kind of "we're going to do this tonight", unless it's literally at the class we already come to, and we go right from there to another thing. Saying yes is so important. I chase people more than most people do- bc I want to make friends and i understand how the friction of getting to the actual thing is the biggest obstacle in the way, and I'm willing to chase a little. But after like 4 no's in a row... people will stop asking, you know?
So I guess my advice is if you are a person who has anxiety or has a hard time committing to things from the comfort of your home, things that are uncertain or require you to be out to get there- figure out a way to start saying yes more. Plan to host the event. Plan an event that's close enough to you there's no transit friction and you can go home early if you have to. Get a friend to come with you to the potentially scary rock climbing class where you want to meet more people. And sometimes you just have to swallow the frog and say yes to a thing that's across town bc that is where the people are and that's where social life is- not inside your bedroom.
Hey Mari! I love hearing your advice on this. “Be open” is something that’s hard to do. It takes a lot of emotional soft skills! I created a class about “how to make friends as an adult” because I am so passionate about this topic. I truly feel my friendships are the reason I have a joy filled life today. If bugs me how platonic friendships are overlooked for partnerships. Well done for shedding light on this topic.
I love your article and really resonate with your description of companionship. I’d love to read your thoughts about the dreaded friendship break-up.
We left a bevy of good supportive friends because of gun violence in the US, my kids were afraid to go to school, I was afraid to send them. My daughter asked me with tears streaming down her face, if we could play my Canadian citizenship card. So we arrived just short of the lockdown for the pandemic. I joined a Zoom movie club, which was incredible, the leader researched thoroughly, the choice of movies was great, saw some I would never have chosen, and discussions were so interesting. I had hoped it would segue into an in person club once the pandemic was sort of over, but the leader suddenly had some health issues, and no-one felt they could follow in her footsteps, so....like Oprah said, joined an in person bookclub, run by the owner of a new book store in our burb. However, she and one member had a preference for apoc·alyptic novels which I tired of, and then she wanted us to buy each new choice for the next meeting at her bookstore in order to ensure attendance. I did not want to commit $430/year to books I may not like and I like the premise of a library. I worked at a local ski resort to get a season's pass and meet new people. I did, most were younger than me including all my supervisors. Of the 3 that I got on with most, meeting at a brew pub or some snowshoeing, 2 left Canada after getting Permanence Residence, one wanted to buy a house, which is beyond possible here unless you are in the tech sector, and the other did not want to live in a country where a car is a necessity so they both went back to Britain. The third met a French man from the Alps, and is very much in love. I had one friend who lived here, we had met in NZ, both while teaching skiing at the same resort, she and her husband moved here, when I lived in 1/5 other countries. However, long divorced, she has now met a man from Golden, Colorado which is pretty close to where we were in the US. So......I do feel quite lonely. I did work in restaurants and catering when I was young, although work could be very fun in the back of the house, I didn't make long term friends out of it, but I agree that everyone on the planet should be made to do 1-2 years (I agree with the 2nd year mandate for those whose way in the world needs reconstruction). I did DW on Fridays volunteer at a high end soup kitchen, and enjoyed lots of great conversation with who-ever took it upon themselves to help me with all the pots and pans, but none morphed to friendship. I quit cooking school firstly because everything we made (beef bourguignon, etc,) we had to throw out (in the garbage, no compost then), when the Governor of Colorado was begging for Coloradoans to help feed 4,000 people brought from Louisiana during Hurricane Katrina, and housed in the Broncos stadium 4 blocks from the cooking school. However, I also was tired of hearing my much younger cooking mates say how they had been stoned on cocaine the night before, and their dad would have a fit as he had just spent $13,000 on their rehab. I feel friendless, very much so. I read alot. However, I will forge onward, with your container companionship suggestions preferably over food.
Loved this essay and your point about chapters for friendships is so spot on! One of my high school best friends and I fell out of touch after we graduated and then many, many years later we randomly reconnected and it turned out that our lives were now on parallel paths again and she's once again one of my closest confidants. You never know when people will show back up in your life! And also, it's okay if they don't!
I'm also planning a big move to a new country this year, and as I get the courage to make this big transition this question of making new friends has been very too of mind!
I have recently shifted my thinking from focusing on making new (close) friends, to just finding more ways to do things with people, even people I'm not especially close with. While I have wistfulness for the time when my best friends lived right around the corner, I find I'm mostly okay with having those intimate connections with my long-distance besties, and spending much of my day-to-day time with companions. Like you said, Mari, sometimes those companions turn into friends, but I no longer have that expectation. I've found that I feel way more socially connected now and am doing a lot things I enjoy.
Dear Mari, it may sound weird but you know those people who you look from afar and think: we would be great friends? You are that person to me! I've always thought that if you came to Mexico, I'd invite you for a cup of coffee, we would talk for hours and become really good friends haha.
Just wanted to tell you that :)
What a beautiful perspective on friendship and companionship. Along with this viewpoint allowing us to find and keep friendship better, I also think it frees us up to BE better friends/companions. I’m struggling through a season of burnout and trying to make the crash landing like a model balsa-wood plane vs. a meteorite. I don’t have it in me to be an incredibly, constantly present friend at this very moment but I CRAVE and LOVE the people around me - we are just short on energy rations right now. Holding space for friendship/companionship at lower stakes makes me feel like I DO have something to offer, even while knowing that my burnout keeps me from being able to offer everything I wish. Thanks, Mari!
As your writing always does, Mari, this really made me think! I’m reflecting on the sometimes acquisitional nature of the desire to “make friends” — as if friends are something you collect. That being said, I know the profound desire for human connection well. I am the type that very easily “makes friends” - I can get phone numbers, schedule drinks, coffee, play dates with kids, etc. with almost alarming ease. But feeling confident and secure in the connection? That, I’m sorry to say my companions, has taken lots of therapy.
I needed to hear this today. Beautifully crafted and makes me think. Thank you
I loved reading this so much. It made me think of all of the companions and friendships I’ve made in the different chapters of my life over the years, many of them products of restaurant work and family meals. I took a sewing class a few years ago in a new city I lived in and one woman was so kind to me. We are Facebook friends now, and while I haven’t seen her since, I love remembering her kindness and her love for her dogs every time she I see her pop up in the feed. It is nice to remember this while being in a new chapter of life and feeling lonely. I know the companionship will come, as it always has. Thank you.🤍
Wow. This has completely transformed how I view relationships! Thank you, Mari.
I do a lot of work around community building. Organizing workshops and events. Working on projects with friends. Facilitating a lot of special and frequent moments.
I'm fortunate to have a lot of high quality relationships and owe it to a lot of intentional work. I've talked about it on a few podcasts and have started to write about it a little.
Figured I'd reach out in case you might have use for the content as a data point to reference, or have interest in a chat.
https://www.elevatedspaces.ca/pages/about-us
https://jeffwaldman.substack.com/p/who-are-all-these-friends-scheduled
https://jeffwaldman.substack.com/p/whats-up-with-all-these-workshops
I really love this piece. It really hits home as I'm been desperately trying to "make friends" in the bay area since I moved here 6 years ago. Some of my favorite people in the Bay Area though are people I met on my train commute. Pre-panini, we'd all commute via Train and biked to and from the train stations. Since we had our bikes, we had to sit in the bike cars. So we all took the same train, on the same car, five days a week. One of them offered me a beer and I never looked back. Most of us, but not all, are in tech due to the area, and I'm probably the youngest but we spanned ~30-70 years old. We were all so different but we just became really good friends on our commute. A bunch of them are even invited to my wedding!
Thanks again for this mental re-framing!