How to find your style

Thoughtfully selecting pieces for your wardrobe

Happy September, Blueberries!

I know I talked some junk last month about not wanting summer to end (I suspect I underwent a temporary lobotomy, or I was under the spell of brat summer?!?) but September in New York thus far has been one big al fresco dinner party with swishing skirts and vases overstuffed with marigolds and overflowing apple bowls and drippy candelabras with bossa nova cooing in the background.

I mean. That’s not MY life, but the atmosphere has provided the perfect setting for it—should it be your life.

Bronze mornings, crystalline afternoons, sorbet nights, sweater-and-shorts afternoons…dare I say MUAH?! 🤌

I can only hope you’ve been enjoying the living daylights out of it, because I, for one, have been cloistered up in Book Editing Jail.

Book editing is exactly like writing a whole new book except without any of the adventure, creativity, freedom, or delusion to keep you going.

Instead, the task at hand is to respond to thousands of red-inked criticisms with tedious homework assignments like “Create a stronger transition here” or torturous questions like “What’s the emotional arc of this piece?”

I’m not complaining.

I am complaining.

Actually no, I love the book I’m writing so much (and my editor!) that even the tedious torturous parts feel like privileges. (Is this how parents feel when they have to watch their children’s school plays?)’

But it means I’ve spent much more time squinting at a laptop than feasting my eyes upon an apple orchard, I’ll say that much.

Oh, except for the time last weekend when I did some editing at my favorite donkey sanctuary and on my break I ROCKED A CHICKEN TO SLEEP:

This is Dog and I held her for an hour while deeply breathing into her little body to calm her down and making a fool of myself singing “Rock-a-bye chicken”

As soon as I got back, I promptly got Covid (surely none of the chicken’s doing), so editing has been a slog and this sweet newsletter missive which I love so dearly has gotten aggressively pushed to the corner of my desk! I so look forward to returning to it when I have the strength and space.

For now, please graciously accept a piece of nonsense I’ve dug up from 2014 from the Mari Archives, dusted off, and polished with hot (covid-y) breath.

I wrote it back in the Stone Age when I was a freelancer for Paste Magazine, then put a bit of it in my first book, and now I present it as a stand-in for an original piece while my creative energy is zapped and my ability to sit vertical for too long is waning quickly.

You might be amused by how many of these observations are still relevant a decade later—why are us laypeople still using the word curate!?

Ahem….

The overuse of the word "curate" is an epidemic. We've got to start using another word to mean "buying things."

It's getting out of control. All of a sudden everybody in town is allowed to curate their home decor, curate their Christmas desires, curate a damn sock drawer.

Recently I read on a lifestyle blog (of course) the phrase "CURATING A GROCERY LIST."

Curating. Like, what actual expert professionals with master's degrees and decades of experience do for world-renowned art museums. Except writing groceries on a sticky note. Basically the same exact thing.

It annoys my own self that the word "curating" popped into my head as I was thinking of a title for this post. That's because I'm writing about thoughtfully selecting pieces for your wardrobe.

Your wardrobe = The MoMA, your V-necks = Rothko, you = the curator. Or whatever.

Let's think of a different phrase. How about…"thoughtfully selecting pieces for your wardrobe?"

That works. Onward.

Thoughtfully Selecting Pieces for Your Wardrobe

I want to talk about creating/cultivating/refining your style, because it’s a hard thing to do, whether you've been at it since high school or last week.

And it changes with your profession, your lifestyle, the season, or your obsession of the moment.

Once fall begins, I’m a new person. My summer personality no longer exists. I wear knee socks now. Keep up.

I'm terrible with budgeting, and I don't really know which items you should splurge on or save on, but I do know that building a closet is a lot like building a refrigerator. Let’s discuss:

An easy way to begin thinking about your style is to compare it to food.

Think about fashion vs. style in comparison to food consumption. You eat every day; you wear clothes every day. There are some days and some occasions when you put more thought to your outfit and meal than you do others. There are some people, cloyingly called “foodies” and “fashionistas” for whom eating and wearing are a prized hobby.

We can compare high fashion to 5-star restaurant dishes that show innovation, creativity, and expertise. A plate of soft-boiled quail eggs with a side of liquid nitrogen ice cream will look exquisite and show a great deal of culinary competence, just as so many gowns and suits on the runway look like moving works of art.

However, there is something to be said for hot dog vendors, deli owners, and grandma’s kitchen. They may not make particularly progressive dishes, but their food is still delicious and meaningful. Their food may not be fashionable, but it has style. It is unique to them, and it is recognized as something valuable.

Here is a gorgeous example of Panama’s Pollera dress complete with special combs and jewelry.

And you don’t eat food only for nutrition.

There's a lot of buzz going around about how to shop for your closet. The trendy advice is this: You shouldn't buy "for outfits," but rather you should buy a few single high-quality items every season that will be likely to combine well.

That's really great advice if you're a person who doesn't take delight in your own existence.

It's like teaching someone how to grocery shop, listing only the nutritional goals a complete kitchen should reach.

I certainly hope you don't eat food only for nutrition, and I would hope you don't buy clothes just because they combine well. This doesn't allow for personality, for special occasions, for religious and cultural proclivities, or for joie de vivre!

Shopping for a special occasion here!

I know that makes building a wardrobe even more challenging, so I've thought of a couple ways to ease into it…

Know you already have a style.

Style is your posture, the vocabulary you use, the way you sign your name, the firmness of your handshake, your favorite color, your dream vacation destination. Style is everything beyond the essentials.

Yes, you need to eat every day to survive, but what do you eat? You need to sleep, but how do you sleep, and where? You have to drink water, but do you prefer it tap? Sparkling? With ice? From a thermos or a bulky glass?

The details are your personal style, and you've been working on it from the first opinion you ever formed.

"I don't have style" is one way to announce that you are disinterested. It's also a lie.

If you have one brain, a beating heart, and at least one way of sensing the outside world, you have style. The key is to cultivate it.

If you’re just starting to cultivate your style, create a uniform!

I am a huge fan of the uniform. I would love to have a uniform. Almost every famously stylish person on earth has had a uniform—think The Green Lady, Bevy Smith, Bill Cunningham, Barack Obama, and Fran Lebowitz.

Similarly, many of the best cooks I know eat variations on the same thing every day.

But take note: There's a huge difference between eating deli meat on sliced bread every day, and eating an heirloom tomato (or seasonal equivalent) galette every day. Take your uniform up one level, and no one will notice that you've been buying the same pants for years.

My old co-worker Alex is one of the most stylish people I've ever met. He knows that style starts with personal presentation: he gets his hair cut once a week, he owns a fanciful beard brush, he has a distinct gait, he uses precise vocabulary, he works on his posture.

THEN he moves on to clothes.

Alex wears the same thing every day: a button-up, belt, and pants, but he oozes personal style. He puts a lot of thought into color, print, and fit—and it shows.

We used a lot of filters in 2014. Sorry. It was all new to us.

The same uniform favored by frumpy businessmen looks SLICK on him. He has a daily formula based on his lifestyle and his body type, and he just gets to pick the extra stuff.

Having a signature look frees you up to think about textures, colors, seasonal adjustments, and shoes—way more pleasurable than having to worry about the building blocks of an outfit!

A travel uniform saves brain space and suitcase space! My go-to for years has been colorful comfy pants (ideal for the plane ride!) and a plain top.

Spend money on things you adore.

Spending money sucks because then you don't have as much money as you had before.

But another way to think about it is that you get to cultivate and invest in the things you cherish.

Spending money shouldn't make you feel guilty; it should make you feel joy. You get to support an artist and select a keepsake which will accompany you in expressing yourself!

Think about this when you're buying clothes. And when you're buying food, for that matter!

You know you need to mix some vegetables into your diet, but don't do it without consideration. Which vegetables do you find most delicious? Which colors of vegetables are your favorites? Buy those!

If you need a winter coat, but don't really want a winter coat, do your research to find a winter coat you're crazy about. Every time you see that coat, you should feel a little spark of excitement—either from the color or the design or the feeling of plunging your hands into the satin pockets.

My favorite coat both reminds me of something a Frances Hodgson Burnett character AND a Helena Bonham Carter villainess would wear

If that sounds overly sentimental, it's because most of us have a really messed up relationship with buying things.

It should never be a chore; it should be a pleasure, acknowledged as a marvelous privilege. Sometimes it's purely functional, yes, but even functional ingredients can take your whole meal up a notch.

Think of your basic wardrobe pieces as great bottles of olive oil or jars of sea salt flakes. They're there to bring the flavor out of everything else, so don't skimp on them!

This entire outfit cost maybe $20, but my earrings are the secret special flavoring!

And get rid of the things you don’t!

Get rid of anything that scratches, fits strangely, or makes you look washed out, and you'll suddenly feel like you have more clothes.

It's scary to get rid of clothes you love only in theory, until you do it.

I ask myself these two questions before giving away clothes:
1. Do I like how I feel when I'm wearing this?
2. Have I worn this at least once in the past year?

If the answer to these two questions is yes, then keep the item. If no, banish it to the Hefty bag. I give my clothes to (local) Housing Works or (nationwide) ThreadUp. Nicer stuff goes to folks who need professional clothes or the annual NYC Coat Drive.

When you love what you’re wearing and it’s true to your style, it will show.

Or: Find your nutmeg.

Put cayenne pepper in a pumpkin pie, and everyone will taste the cayenne pepper. Put nutmeg in a pumpkin pie, and everyone will taste the pumpkin.

You want the public to, uh, taste you. Or, you know.

Experimenting broadly with your style is an entertaining way to find what works and what you can pull off.

(Hint: If you decide you "can't" pull something off, it's usually because you don't really like it in the first place :).

The most rewarding moment in this whole process is finding the nutmeg to your pumpkin, the dill to your salmon, the miso to your tofu, the coriander to your lentils.

Finding that one seasoning that brings out your essence is what building a wardrobe is all about. You'll know when you find it because you'll feel and look like the self you know best.

How I Shop Now

Since writing these tips, I’ve become much more concerned about the sustainability of the planet and the sustainability my bank account, so I very rarely buy new clothes anymore.

If I covet a specific piece of clothing that I’ve seen in a store/ad/post, I’ll first look for it used on Poshmark or Ebay or Etsy, including workout clothes.

But most of the time, I’m renting clothes from Nuuly, which is such a monthly treat and has completely eliminated my bad habit of buying a bunch of cheap fast fashion items for a new season or vacation.

I give myself some leeway while traveling, especially if I find something handmade that I couldn’t find anywhere else. I treasure my souvenirs so much!

Again, maybe it comes back to the food comparison.

I relax my usual eating ethics a teeny bit while traveling, and I recognize that my ethics are human, and therefore not perfect.

Much like my food, clothing is so much more than a necessity but how I enjoy being a body in this world, and express myself—even how I express my morals and values!

I love getting dressed for the same reason I love eating; I am a living thing responding to my environment, my moods, and my creativity, and I get to make choices about what I put in and on my body according to all those ever-changing factors. What fun!