I appreciated this essay, never thought about the song and St. Jude together. In 2020 I found the artist Gracie who paints The Modern Saints at themodernsaints.com. Her art portrays the saints "painted with character, correct ethnicity, age and modern style". I find them just incredible. No affiliation, just a great admirer of her work. She painted St. Rocco for me during Covid (he was a pilgim and a healer during the plague-always shown with his dog). You can't imagine how different and beautiful her images of the saints are. Well worth a look.
Whoa I LOVE THESE!!!!!!! I really want to buy the St Francis one--I'm going to reach out! Thank you so so much for introducing me; I enjoyed every single one and sent them to friends! So so so soooo cool!
I am so glad. I feel the same way. I have many prints (including St Francis and Clare, of course!) and one painting (St Rocco) which I commissioned. The dog in the painting is my beloved Covid dog Bear, and the Saint is modeled after an amazing AP portrait of an Italian doctor during the early days of the outbreak in N Italy, who looks utterly exhausted. Her work really touches something deep inside me.
Your words are a flashlight into the commonality that many of us share: so much bad to dwell on in our past and in all the world. I never was a student of the Beatles, but my forever best friend was named Jude. She died way too young of a wasting cancer. So much to unpack here.
Hi Starry Mari! I am in love with your description of everything you have written here. I hope you have been well, and I can't wait to listen to the song after posting this comment. It's funny how you have talked so devotedly about how much this song means to you and also about getting a tattoo because I got tatted two days ago and also have been thinking about music's influence in my life and sang along to the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus after YEARS recently. It made me feel so strong!!! Listening to music is an experience on its own but singing along to songs is a way to discipline your body to memorize the lyrics that make you feel joyous/powerful/alive. I had so many different pathways in my regular thinking open while reading your newsletter and I look forward to dwelling on it!
I completely agree with you about the song. I am keener on The Beatles’ more reflective songs than the sunnier ones! Why not use the lovely Mexican painting of St Jude as your tattoo? ❤️
"Whenever I feel like I’m not doing nearly enough to save the world, I remind myself that the world needs few saviors, but many singers, and even more listeners. We’re not here to fix, but to alchemize—and music often serves as that mental post-it note."
Wow. I'm not sure where to start in summarizing how much I love this post. I'm a fellow OCD-er, bouncing from subtype to subtype, but generally mine are all invisible, a silent-to-the-world but loud-to-me, bizarre friend in my head telling me all the things. Mostly, as you mentioned, how to fix everything. Save everything. Figure the formula that'll finally put it all to rest. So I hear you. And I rejoice in reading this post, knowing in the core of me, the bits of freedom and clarity that arise from this perspective. I write about this, too, and it just warms me up to "meet" someone who I feel some alignment with. Keep writing and sharing, this was fantastic!
Mari, this is so beautiful. I think from all you said, the line you seem to connect with the most seems to be “don’t carry the world upon your shoulders” so why not tattoo a woman (you) standing on top of the world? As opposed to carrying it? That can remind you that you don’t have to carry it on you. I envision it in beautiful lines only black- like an elegant outline.
Bravo. I find that many if not most of us that are creative, have somethings diferent from most. We are our special selves because of our little quarks. It is what makes us each special to those who get us and understand us. To most we are damaged. To others, special. To ouselves, we are what we are. Yet, we still need interaction with others to survive. Few can go it alone. The hardest part for any person is to say how they feel with out feeling they are being judged. I think, maybe right or wrong, dad's fear of saying, "I was wrong." or "I'm sorry" without feeling like a failure is hard to live with. Yet we pile on to say that is thier fault for feeling. To some it is crushing. We make things to dificult sometimes to explain things. Sometimes, its the simple thing of just saying, "I'm sorry."
I have struggled my whole life with OCD too. Then eventually I ended up in therapy where the therapist worked with attachment (she later abused me for three years, so it all ended up being a cruel curse, but still) ... and kinda realised that for me, my obsessive and scared personality had something to do with vulnerable narcissism. A hole inside yourself, because you've only ever survived and understood the world through being what the world needed you to be. That's a scary thing, having to live/ survive through trying to understand and make sense of it all, rationally.
Similarly, I sometimes wonder if someone who cannot love their own kids, but tries to love the world instead, suffers from such an affliction underneath it all. Never received the proper love, and so unable to provide it, but a deep understanding of what is missing and what "should be" in the world. Kind of like a misdirection of trauma.
Beautiful piece, as usual. I've always sung along mindlessly to Hey Jude (not a song in my regular rotation in any case), and then I decided the Na-na-na-na singalong part at the end made it the perfect closer for the senior audience at the piano bar I do a few times a year at my mom's community. Well, the more I've played it, the more attention I paid to the lyrics. And when Mom and her friends -- people who've all been through a lot by this time in life and sing those words like they lived them -- belt out every word and rock out at the end, it feels like going to church.
Mari, as someone who suffers mightly with the same type of OCD as you, thank you thank you thank you for showing up as yourself here. You have transformed a song i've heard a hundred times, but never actually listened to. Sometimes I feel as if I'll never be safe in my own head, but I really loved reading that you identify as a happy person, even with the mental illness. It never occurred to me that I could in fact be both. Thank you <3
Ah Mari, this is so beautifully written. Had a very similar experience in childhood and have been learning Hey Jude in singing lessons recently. Your words shifted something into place. Thank you x
Dang, you just keep topping my favorite Mari essays tho during this one I really had to fight the weepies. The dad-shaped hole that can never be filled… the constant nagging Whys… But then you broke down this song and everything changed for me. And THEN you said the thing my ailing heart needed to hear more desperately than I expected: “the world needs few saviors, but many singers, and even more listeners.” Especially for those of us who can’t seem to save anyone, struggle to sing, but so obviously NEED to listen. Mari, thank you so very much for this 🥹
I appreciated this essay, never thought about the song and St. Jude together. In 2020 I found the artist Gracie who paints The Modern Saints at themodernsaints.com. Her art portrays the saints "painted with character, correct ethnicity, age and modern style". I find them just incredible. No affiliation, just a great admirer of her work. She painted St. Rocco for me during Covid (he was a pilgim and a healer during the plague-always shown with his dog). You can't imagine how different and beautiful her images of the saints are. Well worth a look.
Whoa I LOVE THESE!!!!!!! I really want to buy the St Francis one--I'm going to reach out! Thank you so so much for introducing me; I enjoyed every single one and sent them to friends! So so so soooo cool!
I am so glad. I feel the same way. I have many prints (including St Francis and Clare, of course!) and one painting (St Rocco) which I commissioned. The dog in the painting is my beloved Covid dog Bear, and the Saint is modeled after an amazing AP portrait of an Italian doctor during the early days of the outbreak in N Italy, who looks utterly exhausted. Her work really touches something deep inside me.
I really really needed to see this for some reason. Thank you!
Your words are a flashlight into the commonality that many of us share: so much bad to dwell on in our past and in all the world. I never was a student of the Beatles, but my forever best friend was named Jude. She died way too young of a wasting cancer. So much to unpack here.
Hi Starry Mari! I am in love with your description of everything you have written here. I hope you have been well, and I can't wait to listen to the song after posting this comment. It's funny how you have talked so devotedly about how much this song means to you and also about getting a tattoo because I got tatted two days ago and also have been thinking about music's influence in my life and sang along to the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus after YEARS recently. It made me feel so strong!!! Listening to music is an experience on its own but singing along to songs is a way to discipline your body to memorize the lyrics that make you feel joyous/powerful/alive. I had so many different pathways in my regular thinking open while reading your newsletter and I look forward to dwelling on it!
The climb was such a banger!
What about the musical notes for “hey Jude” with a saints halo around them?
Love this idea! I was going to suggest something similar (something “bright” to go with the notes so they feel uplifting, Sunny)
I completely agree with you about the song. I am keener on The Beatles’ more reflective songs than the sunnier ones! Why not use the lovely Mexican painting of St Jude as your tattoo? ❤️
"Whenever I feel like I’m not doing nearly enough to save the world, I remind myself that the world needs few saviors, but many singers, and even more listeners. We’re not here to fix, but to alchemize—and music often serves as that mental post-it note."
Wow. I'm not sure where to start in summarizing how much I love this post. I'm a fellow OCD-er, bouncing from subtype to subtype, but generally mine are all invisible, a silent-to-the-world but loud-to-me, bizarre friend in my head telling me all the things. Mostly, as you mentioned, how to fix everything. Save everything. Figure the formula that'll finally put it all to rest. So I hear you. And I rejoice in reading this post, knowing in the core of me, the bits of freedom and clarity that arise from this perspective. I write about this, too, and it just warms me up to "meet" someone who I feel some alignment with. Keep writing and sharing, this was fantastic!
May you always be Mari <3
Mari, this is so beautiful. I think from all you said, the line you seem to connect with the most seems to be “don’t carry the world upon your shoulders” so why not tattoo a woman (you) standing on top of the world? As opposed to carrying it? That can remind you that you don’t have to carry it on you. I envision it in beautiful lines only black- like an elegant outline.
Or even hugging the world- seems more appropriate
Loved this Mari!
Bravo. I find that many if not most of us that are creative, have somethings diferent from most. We are our special selves because of our little quarks. It is what makes us each special to those who get us and understand us. To most we are damaged. To others, special. To ouselves, we are what we are. Yet, we still need interaction with others to survive. Few can go it alone. The hardest part for any person is to say how they feel with out feeling they are being judged. I think, maybe right or wrong, dad's fear of saying, "I was wrong." or "I'm sorry" without feeling like a failure is hard to live with. Yet we pile on to say that is thier fault for feeling. To some it is crushing. We make things to dificult sometimes to explain things. Sometimes, its the simple thing of just saying, "I'm sorry."
Never stop writing Mari ❤️
I have struggled my whole life with OCD too. Then eventually I ended up in therapy where the therapist worked with attachment (she later abused me for three years, so it all ended up being a cruel curse, but still) ... and kinda realised that for me, my obsessive and scared personality had something to do with vulnerable narcissism. A hole inside yourself, because you've only ever survived and understood the world through being what the world needed you to be. That's a scary thing, having to live/ survive through trying to understand and make sense of it all, rationally.
Similarly, I sometimes wonder if someone who cannot love their own kids, but tries to love the world instead, suffers from such an affliction underneath it all. Never received the proper love, and so unable to provide it, but a deep understanding of what is missing and what "should be" in the world. Kind of like a misdirection of trauma.
Beautiful piece, as usual. I've always sung along mindlessly to Hey Jude (not a song in my regular rotation in any case), and then I decided the Na-na-na-na singalong part at the end made it the perfect closer for the senior audience at the piano bar I do a few times a year at my mom's community. Well, the more I've played it, the more attention I paid to the lyrics. And when Mom and her friends -- people who've all been through a lot by this time in life and sing those words like they lived them -- belt out every word and rock out at the end, it feels like going to church.
Mari, as someone who suffers mightly with the same type of OCD as you, thank you thank you thank you for showing up as yourself here. You have transformed a song i've heard a hundred times, but never actually listened to. Sometimes I feel as if I'll never be safe in my own head, but I really loved reading that you identify as a happy person, even with the mental illness. It never occurred to me that I could in fact be both. Thank you <3
Ah Mari, this is so beautifully written. Had a very similar experience in childhood and have been learning Hey Jude in singing lessons recently. Your words shifted something into place. Thank you x
Dang, you just keep topping my favorite Mari essays tho during this one I really had to fight the weepies. The dad-shaped hole that can never be filled… the constant nagging Whys… But then you broke down this song and everything changed for me. And THEN you said the thing my ailing heart needed to hear more desperately than I expected: “the world needs few saviors, but many singers, and even more listeners.” Especially for those of us who can’t seem to save anyone, struggle to sing, but so obviously NEED to listen. Mari, thank you so very much for this 🥹