19 Comments

Mari, I don't know how you do it but somehow you send exactly what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it. I lost a beloved pet on Christmas after 14 years together and a couple of months of confusing health issues which, in hindsight, I wonder if she could have survived if I'd handled them differently. Your recent newsletters have resonated so deeply.

My grief mantra right now is "hold onto it gently." I have come to think of the guilt and the sorrow as sharp things that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life, and if I grasp them too tightly it is so painful. If I hold onto them gently, I can carry them with me without so much pain.

Thank you for sharing so openly. Sending you strength and grace as you continue on your own journey. Whatever sharp things you might be carrying, hold on to them gently.

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I love this: “You make sense to me, you little sadness tourist.”

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Thank you, Mari, for sharing these beautiful words and reflections from the depth of your grief. When my younger brother died last summer I found the following notes in his journal; he had been studying grief. These come from Francis Weller's book The Wild Edge of Sorrow.

"Grief is to be tended.

Grief is not a problem to be solved, but to be experienced.

Grief is a sacred time that is vital to our souls."

Every day, through the lowest lows, I’ve found comfort in remembering *this is a sacred time.* Wishing you peace.

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I thought at first that your three words were going to be "Irritation and discomfort" and I was like, yes! Then I thought, though they're not three words, that it would be "flourished like a clementine orchard in Tuscany" and I was like, love it! I guess it makes sense that I would resonate with both of those phrases, and it makes sense that your whole essay makes sense, and anyone who's lived through much of life will understand the life raft those words are. Thank you. And may you find comfort as you grieve.

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I needed this today. I've just returned home to Maine from a week in Colorado during which I put my mother into memory care, where she is sobbing, confused, and trying to die. I thought I would come home, get back to writing, go back to work, clean the cat boxes, and reenter my life after this week-long "break." Instead, my back went into such a severe spasm I couldn't sit for 3 days. I've been lying on the couch on a heating pad weeping, reading, and sleeping. I'm a mess. The house is a mess. I'm using up all my paid time off. I haven't even been outside for three days because of ice and snow and my fear of falling and making my back worse. And yes, when I read this I can put my arms around myself, open another box of Kleenex, warm up the heating pad, and tell myself it all makes sense. Thank you so very much.

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I’ve also been grieving, disgruntled and overwhelmed with all the news in the world. Work hasn’t stopped and your share makes it all click for me! The words that have helped me lately are “I got me” and “It’s all an experiment”. I’m trying to be grounded and open to the feelings and changes, and knowing deep in my gut that I’m ok at the end of it all. From one grief hazy soul to another.. sending lots of love!

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My aunt occasionally reminds people that "You cannot have everything you want in this life." (You say it out loud, emphasizing "everything" and "in this life.") It's such an obvious statement, and somehow it always helps me when I'm feeling let down by not getting something that I wanted--of COURSE I can't have everything I want in this life. That would be really weird. I hadn't really thought about it as applied to grief and its associated consequences, but I think it works for that too.

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Yes, it makes sense. My small variation is That makes sense, which I use quite a bit when attempting to extend compassion. Right now my favorite word is retirement! It is my carrot that is coming to fruition this December. I picked three words for 2023 (2 found me through some angel cards) They are clarity, synthesis, and adventure. I think this trifecta is perfect for where I am as I mull on them again and again. Lots of people ask What is synthesis to you? so i have been mulling that a lot. Honestly, it feels like the developmental stage of my mid 60s. Thanks for sharing your lovely thoughts and feelings with us, Mari.

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What a timely read. Even though it has been four years, the past two months I have been missing my dad so much more than usual. But you are so right. I don’t need to qualify my feelings with how long it has been since he passed. It makes sense I would miss him. Forever and always. Condolences on your stepdad. 🤍

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I just recently found you and thoroughly enjoy your heartfelt stories. You are an inspiration and seemingly humble person. I thank you for sharing your story which applies to most if not all of your readers. God Bless you!

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Oof- all of this! That deep relief of acknowledgement. How those feelings will start talking to (or come out at) someone else just to be heard. I’m getting better at giving my big feelings space, but don’t always know what to do or say to make it better (which is part of the problem, I suppose- trying to fix what can’t be fixed or soothe what can’t be soothed) At best, I try to embody my therapist who has this beautiful way of listening and affirming with a wholehearted YEESSSSSSSS so you feel like you have said the truest thing. Sometimes ‘it is what it is’ feels really honest, sometimes disheartening. I will tuck ‘it makes sense’ in my pocket now. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this space and these small recognitions can help hold your heart while you navigate. ❤️

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I don't have any magical favorite words right now but this reverberates in me so hugely right now. I just started therapy and I hear "that makes sense" a lot from that beautiful human. So it's good to hear it in you too. I lvoe the imagery of the little sadness tourist. yes! Because as humans we're so complex, there is so much taking up residence in us at the same time. I love to hear you carve that out.

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I was so delighted to read how much you loved the Philadelphia art museum. It’s one of my favorites too!

I’m on a luxurious vacation right now with a head cold and a sprained ankle (that last step is a doozy!)! The mantra “it makes sense” is helping me to unleash my tight hold on what I wanted this vacation to look like. If you need me, i’ll be icing my ankle and sipping a daiquiri!

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Love this :) Self compassion is always the answer.

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First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your stepfather and send you and your family love. Second, another related phrase to toss in the ring: “These things happen.”

♥️

I can relate. 🙏

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I've been in the habit for most of my life of policing myself to think the correct thoughts and feel the correct feelings. Lately I've been trying exactly this, even telling my thoughts "it makes sense that you feel you need to judge yourself, since that's what you once learned you needed to do to survive." It sounds cliche but it really is transforming the relationship i have with myself. Crazy stuff.

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