I have a heart filled with love after reading this wonderful post. Thank you for articulating some of the beauty and fear that comes with the messiness of being human and living on Earth. You've helped bring some understanding and a sense of connection.
Thank your for this generous and thoughtful essay. I love your prompts and reframes.
It reminded me that it’s been useful for me to think of my emotions as built-in protectors.
The “Compulsive” part of “OCD” has an interesting history of meanings. It came into English in the 15th c. from French and meant "application of force (to someone) to overwhelm his/her preferences."
The psychological sense entered English in 1909 as “compulsion neurosis,,” a translation of Freud’s term “Zwangsneurose.” Zwang comes from an ancient German word meaning “coercion, constraint, band, clamp, strap.”
So this history give us a bit of ancient wisdom that Compulsion and Zwang are protective. They are like a protector or guardian that holds a child’s hand, or a spotter in gymnastics, or are like safety belts.
But sometimes we don’t need our compulsions. We can always assess things and decide whether we need protection.
If we have a pattern where our Life Force is a little too vigilant, we can thank it for its attentiveness, ask it to take a step into the background, and proceed with our own preferences, which may or may not be what it recommended.
The reason it’s advantageous to say “thanks” to the compulsion is because then it won’t get defensive or dig in its heels.
Also, it’s courteous; it’s nice to have an ally that has our backs. It’s just that we need to remind our internal protectors who is directing the show, and if they are a true ally, bit by bit they will get the hint.
A further thought on language, e.g., “This thought is unpleasant, but it’s safe”:
That is nice quick way of saying: “This feeling is unpleasant, and I thank my internal guardians/ protectors for calling attention to what’s going on, but after checking it out, I find it’s _safe enough_ to actually proceed with what I prefer.”
I find “safe enough” or “safer” are more truthful and useful for me than “safe.”
Thank you for sharing your journey and for the opportunity to reflect on my own.
Ummm crying a little because I didn’t know that what I’ve come to think are regular ruminations that sometimes turn my entire day (even days at a time) upside down...there may be a cure for them. So excited to talk to my therapist about this. Thank you.
My fiancee grew up in the UAE (Abu Dhabi), so hearing about another emirate made me go !!!
More importantly, I have lived with OCD since I was 7, with it exacerbating and becoming unbearable when I was 16. I am also heavily medicated (for that and other things) and I empathize and relate to so much of this. The letting go that happens once your brain settles but also the pain when your brain attacks, and the contrast between the two is something I can always explain but few will understand. Sending you all my love as always <3
This is so real and raw and alarming and comforting. "Loved ones in my midst have walked away or put on noise-canceling headphones when I was in the midst of a panic attack." <-- Break my heart into a million pieces, I just want to wrap my arms around you in this moment. "...and Mr. Mari gently walked over to me with his trademark concern and care and reassuring shoulder rubs." <-- My broken heart is fused back together knowing you found the arms you needed to survive this thing. This piece of yours reminds me of dear Walt,
"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
There is so much relief to be experienced when we let ourselves melt into The And.
Thank God for medication, for freedom of choice, for brutal [but care-ful] honesty, and for you and your Truth.
And. His having girfriends before means he has spent a portion of his life caring for people, working on relationships, learning how to connect. Rather than, say, doing drugs, vandalizing, joining a cult...
His telling you about them means he is sharing parts of his self with you that he may not feel open or comfortable sharing with just anyone.
I, too, take 225 mg. of Effexor and it has also helped me tremendously. Like you, I was wary of medication. But then my perspective changed. And my life changed. Your writing is beautiful, and your sharing your experiences is so very appreciated. Thank you!
Thank you so much Mari for this. And this little insight on how Mr Mari has been able to support you AND himself and thus your relationship is very valuable and melts my heart. I can't say I have always been the most understanding when it comes to other's unique quirks and difficulties because I have spent so much time trying to soften my edges and be easy-going and never needing anything. Also my codependent tendencies make me feel overly responsible for and enmeshed with someone's else well-being and behaviour. But underneath the surface is a whole different beast.
Also - talking about being maybe "difficult" (whatever that means) reminds me of one of your previous essays about being able to communicate one's particular needs vs being seemingly easy-going and in the end, being harder and confusing to have a relationship with because there is no sense of what one might need (if I remember right). It also is the underlying message of so many of Ask Polly's writings. When we honour our particularities, when we make room for the whole of our being, flaws and all, we make space for others to do the same. And then we all live happily ever after? Ah! The human experience is frustrating, exhilarating, impossible, fascinating.
Thank you for being so open, I am sure it will be of help to many.
yes! uncertainty is the hardest part. I think sharing different OCD stories is going to help so many people because the mainstream depictions are really isolating to those of us suffering. I am also discovering a lot about self-advocacy, like you said, others can't understand the kind of pain and just want to offer assurance. I've been working on describing feelings as my self-advocacy, since the spikes are meaningless to everyone except the individual. thank you for sharing!!! 💓
Thank you for being so specific about your experience 💜often “using medication” can remain so mysterious and vague and it really helps to read open stories about it
I’m always always reminded of the CS Lewis quote (call it a sentiment if I quote it wrong) that “a curved line gives meaning to a straight one.” Just as darkness brings meaning to light. We cannot appreciate what we cannot see and we cannot truly see what has no contrast. ❤️
Wow, I haven’t had anyone so clearly explain my brain to me so well before! It’s like you are in my head! BRB, time to finally schedule that assessment I’ve been putting off...
I have a heart filled with love after reading this wonderful post. Thank you for articulating some of the beauty and fear that comes with the messiness of being human and living on Earth. You've helped bring some understanding and a sense of connection.
Thank your for this generous and thoughtful essay. I love your prompts and reframes.
It reminded me that it’s been useful for me to think of my emotions as built-in protectors.
The “Compulsive” part of “OCD” has an interesting history of meanings. It came into English in the 15th c. from French and meant "application of force (to someone) to overwhelm his/her preferences."
The psychological sense entered English in 1909 as “compulsion neurosis,,” a translation of Freud’s term “Zwangsneurose.” Zwang comes from an ancient German word meaning “coercion, constraint, band, clamp, strap.”
So this history give us a bit of ancient wisdom that Compulsion and Zwang are protective. They are like a protector or guardian that holds a child’s hand, or a spotter in gymnastics, or are like safety belts.
But sometimes we don’t need our compulsions. We can always assess things and decide whether we need protection.
If we have a pattern where our Life Force is a little too vigilant, we can thank it for its attentiveness, ask it to take a step into the background, and proceed with our own preferences, which may or may not be what it recommended.
The reason it’s advantageous to say “thanks” to the compulsion is because then it won’t get defensive or dig in its heels.
Also, it’s courteous; it’s nice to have an ally that has our backs. It’s just that we need to remind our internal protectors who is directing the show, and if they are a true ally, bit by bit they will get the hint.
A further thought on language, e.g., “This thought is unpleasant, but it’s safe”:
That is nice quick way of saying: “This feeling is unpleasant, and I thank my internal guardians/ protectors for calling attention to what’s going on, but after checking it out, I find it’s _safe enough_ to actually proceed with what I prefer.”
I find “safe enough” or “safer” are more truthful and useful for me than “safe.”
Thank you for sharing your journey and for the opportunity to reflect on my own.
Ummm crying a little because I didn’t know that what I’ve come to think are regular ruminations that sometimes turn my entire day (even days at a time) upside down...there may be a cure for them. So excited to talk to my therapist about this. Thank you.
My fiancee grew up in the UAE (Abu Dhabi), so hearing about another emirate made me go !!!
More importantly, I have lived with OCD since I was 7, with it exacerbating and becoming unbearable when I was 16. I am also heavily medicated (for that and other things) and I empathize and relate to so much of this. The letting go that happens once your brain settles but also the pain when your brain attacks, and the contrast between the two is something I can always explain but few will understand. Sending you all my love as always <3
This is so real and raw and alarming and comforting. "Loved ones in my midst have walked away or put on noise-canceling headphones when I was in the midst of a panic attack." <-- Break my heart into a million pieces, I just want to wrap my arms around you in this moment. "...and Mr. Mari gently walked over to me with his trademark concern and care and reassuring shoulder rubs." <-- My broken heart is fused back together knowing you found the arms you needed to survive this thing. This piece of yours reminds me of dear Walt,
"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
There is so much relief to be experienced when we let ourselves melt into The And.
Thank God for medication, for freedom of choice, for brutal [but care-ful] honesty, and for you and your Truth.
And. His having girfriends before means he has spent a portion of his life caring for people, working on relationships, learning how to connect. Rather than, say, doing drugs, vandalizing, joining a cult...
His telling you about them means he is sharing parts of his self with you that he may not feel open or comfortable sharing with just anyone.
I, too, take 225 mg. of Effexor and it has also helped me tremendously. Like you, I was wary of medication. But then my perspective changed. And my life changed. Your writing is beautiful, and your sharing your experiences is so very appreciated. Thank you!
Thank you for existing (read: living, surviving, writing, getting up, getting down, medicating, not medicating, contrasting...). THANK YOU!
Thank you so much Mari for this. And this little insight on how Mr Mari has been able to support you AND himself and thus your relationship is very valuable and melts my heart. I can't say I have always been the most understanding when it comes to other's unique quirks and difficulties because I have spent so much time trying to soften my edges and be easy-going and never needing anything. Also my codependent tendencies make me feel overly responsible for and enmeshed with someone's else well-being and behaviour. But underneath the surface is a whole different beast.
Also - talking about being maybe "difficult" (whatever that means) reminds me of one of your previous essays about being able to communicate one's particular needs vs being seemingly easy-going and in the end, being harder and confusing to have a relationship with because there is no sense of what one might need (if I remember right). It also is the underlying message of so many of Ask Polly's writings. When we honour our particularities, when we make room for the whole of our being, flaws and all, we make space for others to do the same. And then we all live happily ever after? Ah! The human experience is frustrating, exhilarating, impossible, fascinating.
Thank you for being so open, I am sure it will be of help to many.
This was the push I needed to find an experienced therapist. Thank you.
yes! uncertainty is the hardest part. I think sharing different OCD stories is going to help so many people because the mainstream depictions are really isolating to those of us suffering. I am also discovering a lot about self-advocacy, like you said, others can't understand the kind of pain and just want to offer assurance. I've been working on describing feelings as my self-advocacy, since the spikes are meaningless to everyone except the individual. thank you for sharing!!! 💓
Thank you for your vulnerability! This was beautifully written and made me feel less alone in my OCD struggles. Sending you love <3
Thank you for being so specific about your experience 💜often “using medication” can remain so mysterious and vague and it really helps to read open stories about it
I’m always always reminded of the CS Lewis quote (call it a sentiment if I quote it wrong) that “a curved line gives meaning to a straight one.” Just as darkness brings meaning to light. We cannot appreciate what we cannot see and we cannot truly see what has no contrast. ❤️
Retreats sound wonderful
Wow, I haven’t had anyone so clearly explain my brain to me so well before! It’s like you are in my head! BRB, time to finally schedule that assessment I’ve been putting off...