I so appreciate this perspective on how sacred our responses are! Whether or not we are feeling the “right” thing. Thank you for sharing about your experience. This is such a breath of fresh air and I’m feeling far less alone in my experience after reading it.
“That’s why artists have a responsibility to keep telling the truth: not to get others on our side, but to awaken the right response in the right person for the job.” - wow wow wow!! I LOVED reading how you relate to the world. What a great reframe of the imposter syndrome! Thank you, thank you!!
I forgot I wrote that--thank you so much for highlighting it! :)) I just looked through your gorgeous Substack and wow your art is so beautiful! It very much awakened my internal response!
Mari, ugh! You are speaking my language so much here. “I do this differently” has been a constant hum throughout my life. For me, returning to school in my thirties called to attention just how easy it is for “I’ve done things my own way, in my own time, in my integrity” to devolve into a kind of apology.... it’s an uncomfortable and absolutely necessary kind of existence. Thank you for sharing this. Ps: poems like that are why we named our son Auden 💜
Having left my career for 16 years to stay home with my kids, I underestimated how difficult and uncomfortable it would be to go back in my 50’s and feel like a newbie. I have zero regrets, yet I find myself devolving into apology exactly as you described. Thank you for the words to describe this.💙
I just love you so much! I was thinking while writing this how autistic people must experience this sort of discomfort throughout the day, perhaps so constantly that it actually feels more normal than not to be the only one responding differently in a group. And what a gift they are to the group!!! I am OBSESSED with Auden's name and have told many people that I have an honorary nephew with the coolest most beautiful name and they agree :)))
I lived my whole life thinking "why am I the only one who disagrees with XYZ?" Now I'm like "oooooooh... THIS is why..." (although I'm not sure if I'm actually the only one who thinks differently, or just the only one who doesn't realize I am not supposed to vocalize it ;)) And oh my goodness, he is absolutely an honorary nephew, I love this too much. Can't wait for y'all to meet IRL. You'll be absolutely smitten. He's a great dancer.
Really resonated with this - it’s the pressure to weep or raise hands. I shut down too, but this reminds me that I’m not an ice queen, it’s just unexpected things that provoke tears. Thanks for the insight 💛
I FEEL SEEN. I’ve been in a writers workshop all month and there are barges of heavy emotion at every turn supplied by Zoom calls. I’ve felt like I’m broken, no drop to be squeezed from this iron clad ship of mine. In fact, I’ve felt even more closed off, not repulsed exactly, but definitely not in arms wide open mode. And yet, while reading this piece of yours, I easily conjured up things that turn the faucet on full blast. Like the final scene before the credits roll in a movie from over two decades ago (Magnolia). I also welled up reading that poem. And last night my friend told me she had to say goodbye to her dear cat Paulie (whom I’ve watched in several occasions) and that sent me into a weeping mess on my bed. Maybe I’m a mystic too. This is helpful. I’m not misfiring. Thank you for this!!
(And thank you for “Sharing Your Work”! I was in an art show during the live, but watched yesterday and it was ridiculously helpful! Everything you said about creativity being on our side... whew! Cue the waterworks!!)
Oh girl there is no doubt in my mind that you are the mystic to end all mystics!!! I just learned that tarot is a "mystic practice" which is my kind of activity. I have a daydream where I sit with you in your kitchen (I feel like you mentioned a screen door is involved but I might be inventing that detail of your life) and we pull cards and talk about all this either during late night or early morning. I'll refine my dream a bit.
I have a lump in my throat just hearing about Paulie. I hate living in a world where cats die. But I also love living in a world where beauty is fleeting by nature. Harrumph.
There's a reflection exercise called the Ignatian Examen (written by St Ignatius, perhaps the first ever guided journal-er) where one of the prompts is to list what "repulsed" you during the day. I always thought that was kind of a dramatic word but now I use it more freely, because the feeling tells us sooo much if we pay attention to it. I think I was repulsed by my own repulse during those group-sobs, but it led me to writing, which is (usually) a good output.
Until our kitchen chat, thank you so so much for always writing to me so beautifully.
Yes!! Kitchen Tarot is totally our thing!! Maybe there’s a screen door in my future New Mexico home? There are so many revelations ahead...Extra mystic!!
I just spent a good ten minutes reading up on the Ignatian Examen so, wow, gratitude overflow for that! The repulsion reverb is so real. To connect ALL of this together, it’s such a comfort to recognize our repulsion (and shame) and accept we’re still loved, still worthy. How much better would we all feel and act if we practiced this?!
Though I had to break halfway through to listen to “I love the way you lie” on repeat 10 times 🤣 I loved this letter, Mari!! Thank you for your words! One thing I often think of is this part from a book I read by a psychologist (Dr. Lindsay Gibson) where she talks about how EMOTING isn’t the same as feeling things deeply. Her example was sometimes people who are emotionally immature are actually over-emotional. Like, they might cry super easily (think: white women (like me) weaponizing tears), but it doesn’t mean they are FEELING deeply. Not saying anything against the emotional people in your group! But sometimes (only sometimes!) I have gotten that vibe in “intense” church services that seemed to hinge on emotional manipulation.
The combo of Eminem and Rihanna is just too good!! :)
That is soooo interesting Joyce!! I was thinking as I was writing this how I've been told my whole life that I'm "too sensitive" and yet...I actually don't cry easily! (my fiance may disagree hahah) That's SUCH a fascinating distinction and I'm so glad you shared it; I've found in my own life that "young souls" tend to show emotion a lot more than people who I consider more thoughtful, deep, and sensitive and I've been so curious about that. I'll be thinking on this all week!
:) so glad you appreciated this! I feel like I shared this idea with quite a few people and no one was as enthusiastic as I was, so I'm glad I'm not alone in finding this really interesting! The book I'm referencing is Dr. Lindsay Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and here are two excerpts that gets at this idea (though there might be more, I haven't read it since 2020): "Despite being highly emotionally reactive, emotionally immature people have a paradoxical relationship with emotions. They're quick to get emotionally aroused, but they're scared of their most authentic feelings." and: "They Have Intense But Shallow Emotions: Emotionally immature people are easily overwhelmed by deep emotion, and they display their uneasiness by transmuting it into quick reactivity. Instead of feeling things deeply, they react superficially....perhaps being easily moved to tears. [...] their emotional expression often has a glancing quality, almost like a stone skipping the surface rather than going into the depths. It's a fleeing reaction of the moment—dramatic but not deep."
Dramatic but not deep! Wow yes, I'm so intrigued by that. I have definitely expressed dramatic emotion not rooted in anything that went far lower than the surface and I'm so curious about why I do that. Also, you've reminded me of a book that my therapist recommended to me years ago, so thank you for that!!! I think I should get around to reading it!!
I can relate to this completely!
I haven’t had time yet watched the online workshop you did, but I can’t wait to “meet” you on there! Thankfully to be a part of it.
Same -- I feel so seen and identify so much w this post. 🙏🏻
I so appreciate this perspective on how sacred our responses are! Whether or not we are feeling the “right” thing. Thank you for sharing about your experience. This is such a breath of fresh air and I’m feeling far less alone in my experience after reading it.
Thank you so much, Shannon!! In turn you're making me feel less alone too! :)
And I posted too fast to say: thank you for articulating this so beautifully.
*Time yet to watch
My editing of my reply feels like your post.. even if on peripherally. Who cares if I make a typo? Yet.. here we are.
Yet here we are! :) You're the best
I love this!
“That’s why artists have a responsibility to keep telling the truth: not to get others on our side, but to awaken the right response in the right person for the job.” - wow wow wow!! I LOVED reading how you relate to the world. What a great reframe of the imposter syndrome! Thank you, thank you!!
I forgot I wrote that--thank you so much for highlighting it! :)) I just looked through your gorgeous Substack and wow your art is so beautiful! It very much awakened my internal response!
I related to ALL of this, thank you, and as E.L. said I too FELL SEEN.
That makes me so so so so so so so happy!
You nailed it, as usual. Having the “correct” response for me means the authentic one, and I rarely know what it will be until it’s upon me.
Oh YES! I love that. My new motto.
Mari, ugh! You are speaking my language so much here. “I do this differently” has been a constant hum throughout my life. For me, returning to school in my thirties called to attention just how easy it is for “I’ve done things my own way, in my own time, in my integrity” to devolve into a kind of apology.... it’s an uncomfortable and absolutely necessary kind of existence. Thank you for sharing this. Ps: poems like that are why we named our son Auden 💜
Having left my career for 16 years to stay home with my kids, I underestimated how difficult and uncomfortable it would be to go back in my 50’s and feel like a newbie. I have zero regrets, yet I find myself devolving into apology exactly as you described. Thank you for the words to describe this.💙
I just love you so much! I was thinking while writing this how autistic people must experience this sort of discomfort throughout the day, perhaps so constantly that it actually feels more normal than not to be the only one responding differently in a group. And what a gift they are to the group!!! I am OBSESSED with Auden's name and have told many people that I have an honorary nephew with the coolest most beautiful name and they agree :)))
I lived my whole life thinking "why am I the only one who disagrees with XYZ?" Now I'm like "oooooooh... THIS is why..." (although I'm not sure if I'm actually the only one who thinks differently, or just the only one who doesn't realize I am not supposed to vocalize it ;)) And oh my goodness, he is absolutely an honorary nephew, I love this too much. Can't wait for y'all to meet IRL. You'll be absolutely smitten. He's a great dancer.
Really resonated with this - it’s the pressure to weep or raise hands. I shut down too, but this reminds me that I’m not an ice queen, it’s just unexpected things that provoke tears. Thanks for the insight 💛
Haha yes not an ice queen at all!! :)
I FEEL SEEN. I’ve been in a writers workshop all month and there are barges of heavy emotion at every turn supplied by Zoom calls. I’ve felt like I’m broken, no drop to be squeezed from this iron clad ship of mine. In fact, I’ve felt even more closed off, not repulsed exactly, but definitely not in arms wide open mode. And yet, while reading this piece of yours, I easily conjured up things that turn the faucet on full blast. Like the final scene before the credits roll in a movie from over two decades ago (Magnolia). I also welled up reading that poem. And last night my friend told me she had to say goodbye to her dear cat Paulie (whom I’ve watched in several occasions) and that sent me into a weeping mess on my bed. Maybe I’m a mystic too. This is helpful. I’m not misfiring. Thank you for this!!
(And thank you for “Sharing Your Work”! I was in an art show during the live, but watched yesterday and it was ridiculously helpful! Everything you said about creativity being on our side... whew! Cue the waterworks!!)
Oh girl there is no doubt in my mind that you are the mystic to end all mystics!!! I just learned that tarot is a "mystic practice" which is my kind of activity. I have a daydream where I sit with you in your kitchen (I feel like you mentioned a screen door is involved but I might be inventing that detail of your life) and we pull cards and talk about all this either during late night or early morning. I'll refine my dream a bit.
I have a lump in my throat just hearing about Paulie. I hate living in a world where cats die. But I also love living in a world where beauty is fleeting by nature. Harrumph.
There's a reflection exercise called the Ignatian Examen (written by St Ignatius, perhaps the first ever guided journal-er) where one of the prompts is to list what "repulsed" you during the day. I always thought that was kind of a dramatic word but now I use it more freely, because the feeling tells us sooo much if we pay attention to it. I think I was repulsed by my own repulse during those group-sobs, but it led me to writing, which is (usually) a good output.
Until our kitchen chat, thank you so so much for always writing to me so beautifully.
Yes!! Kitchen Tarot is totally our thing!! Maybe there’s a screen door in my future New Mexico home? There are so many revelations ahead...Extra mystic!!
I just spent a good ten minutes reading up on the Ignatian Examen so, wow, gratitude overflow for that! The repulsion reverb is so real. To connect ALL of this together, it’s such a comfort to recognize our repulsion (and shame) and accept we’re still loved, still worthy. How much better would we all feel and act if we practiced this?!
Though I had to break halfway through to listen to “I love the way you lie” on repeat 10 times 🤣 I loved this letter, Mari!! Thank you for your words! One thing I often think of is this part from a book I read by a psychologist (Dr. Lindsay Gibson) where she talks about how EMOTING isn’t the same as feeling things deeply. Her example was sometimes people who are emotionally immature are actually over-emotional. Like, they might cry super easily (think: white women (like me) weaponizing tears), but it doesn’t mean they are FEELING deeply. Not saying anything against the emotional people in your group! But sometimes (only sometimes!) I have gotten that vibe in “intense” church services that seemed to hinge on emotional manipulation.
The combo of Eminem and Rihanna is just too good!! :)
That is soooo interesting Joyce!! I was thinking as I was writing this how I've been told my whole life that I'm "too sensitive" and yet...I actually don't cry easily! (my fiance may disagree hahah) That's SUCH a fascinating distinction and I'm so glad you shared it; I've found in my own life that "young souls" tend to show emotion a lot more than people who I consider more thoughtful, deep, and sensitive and I've been so curious about that. I'll be thinking on this all week!
:) so glad you appreciated this! I feel like I shared this idea with quite a few people and no one was as enthusiastic as I was, so I'm glad I'm not alone in finding this really interesting! The book I'm referencing is Dr. Lindsay Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and here are two excerpts that gets at this idea (though there might be more, I haven't read it since 2020): "Despite being highly emotionally reactive, emotionally immature people have a paradoxical relationship with emotions. They're quick to get emotionally aroused, but they're scared of their most authentic feelings." and: "They Have Intense But Shallow Emotions: Emotionally immature people are easily overwhelmed by deep emotion, and they display their uneasiness by transmuting it into quick reactivity. Instead of feeling things deeply, they react superficially....perhaps being easily moved to tears. [...] their emotional expression often has a glancing quality, almost like a stone skipping the surface rather than going into the depths. It's a fleeing reaction of the moment—dramatic but not deep."
Dramatic but not deep! Wow yes, I'm so intrigued by that. I have definitely expressed dramatic emotion not rooted in anything that went far lower than the surface and I'm so curious about why I do that. Also, you've reminded me of a book that my therapist recommended to me years ago, so thank you for that!!! I think I should get around to reading it!!
Mari, This work is outstanding. I look forward to reading more. D
This comment made my week. I'm so grateful to have you here!
I can relate, happens to me a lot - once I'm told what to feel or even expected to feel / behave a certain way, I simply can't do it anymore
Loved this whole thing. Thank you. 🤍